I wish my name was Michael or Monty or Matthew or Randall or Robert, because then I could write a column called something like “Matthew’s Musings” or “Robert’s Ruminations.” But I’m stuck with Paul, and the best I can come up with is “Paul’s Ponderings” or “Paul’s Perturbations,” or some other name that sounds even more overwrought or kvetched out.
So, accordingly, I have decided to call this particular column “Man Killed by Defective Toilet Seat.” Please don’t ask me why because I already told you. I couldn’t think of anything better, and it did get your attention, didn’t it?
So here goes ...
I wish people who tell me they just had an indescribable experience would stop trying to describe it to me.
(I’m not interested in last night’s dream either.)
I’m fascinated by people who see Jesus’ face on a piece of burnt toast. I wonder why that never happens on a bagel or a matzo.
I have finally perfected my incompetence. (I’m also very proud of my humility.)
It’s impossible to become employee-of-the-month in three days.
I’m self-taught — and it shows.
It’s enough to reaffirm my faith in cynicism.
Ever wonder what non-believers believe in?
I’ve heard of bridge tenders, and I believe they exist. Chicken tenders, not so much.
I am not adverse to using litotes. As a matter of fact, I not infrequently find them quite effective and useful (look it up).
It’s probably not a good idea to enroll at the Bank & Ruptsee School of Business.
I often reject valid criticism, but I never refuse unwarranted praise.
I have the amazing ability to make the simple, complex; the easy, difficult; and to say in many words what could be said in a few.
Why do you say I’m opinionated? Just because I insist that I’m always right?
I’ve got thousands of ideas I haven’t thought of yet.
I have nothing to say, but I’ve got a great speaking voice.
As chairman of the Commission to Reduce Redundancy in Government, I have assigned two committees to study the issue.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It’s a waste of your time — and it only annoys the pig. (I wish I had thought of this one.)
My speech therasipt keeps insitsing that I’m lysdexic.
I have a speech impediment. I always say whatever is on my mind.
I know that we have a communication problem, but I refuse to discuss it with you.
My predictions are 97 percent accurate — 8 percent of the time.
On opening day every game should be a home game.