Z: Are you going to audition for The Real Housewives of Santa Barbara?
She: Is that some kind of code for we just won the lottery and I get to be a housewife, now? Bring on the bon-bons, baby!
Z: No lotto money — yet. But you know you want to audition. You know you’re dying to flip over some tables and get in cat fights on TV.
She: Don’t forget the champagne, bon-bons and bubble baths.
Z: See? I told you you’d be perfect for this show.
She: First off, according to Bravo, the rumor that the Real Housewives franchise is coming to Santa Barbara is completely bogus.
Z: Now I’m sad.
She: Second, you have no clue what you’re talking about. You’ve never even seen a Real Housewives of anywhere at any time.
Z: I’ve seen parodies of it on Saturday Night Live. Doesn’t that count?
She: I don’t think so.
Z: Jon Stewart has made some jokes about them. And I’ve seen the phenomenon referenced in a variety of other news and pop culture sources. I’m quite sure that’s more than enough for me to make merciless fun of them.
She: Nope. I’m told by very reliable sources that you’ve got to watch at least one episode of a show before you can mock it.
Z: I’m not sure that’s worth it.
She: I have it on good authority that those are the rules.
Z: I think I’ve seen more than enough ads for Honey Boo Boo to know how ridiculous that show is. Those ads are almost as bad as the ones for the show about conjoined twins.
She: Abby & Brittany?
Z: That’s the one. When I see the ads, I’m confused if I’m watching an ad for the show itself, or for Saturday Night Live.
She: Sorry, I’ve never actually seen the show. Can’t mock it with a 10-foot pole. There’s very little reality TV that I’m allowed to mock, as tempting as it is. It’s weird, because I’m surrounded by information on all these reality shows, and feel like I know all about them, but I’ve never seen a single episode of most of them.
Z: The no-mocking rule seems very arbitrary. I think we know enough about reality TV without having to actually watch it.
She: What do you know about these shows?
Z: I know that there are twins joined at the torso, and housewives, and they’re all Italians from New Jersey. And that they’re real.
She: I’m guessing you’re wrong on all accounts.
Z: I am having a hard time picturing what a Real Housewives of Santa Barbara would look like.
She: I can’t imagine that watching a bunch of women drive their kids to school in minivans and then go work out at the gym would be all that interesting.
Z: My favorite line from the original rumor, which showed up on radaronline.com, was, “Both married women and at least one prominent divorcee have been approached, we’re told.” I wonder which prominent divorcee that is?
She: Yeah. Because Santa Barbara is just crawling with prominent divorcees.
Z: Most of my best friends are prominent divorcees. It could be any one of them.
She: I’m pretty sure “prominent divorcee” was the theme of this year’s Solstice parade.
Z: Next year it will probably be conjoined twins, unless Honey Boo Boo comes to town.
She: Given Honey Boo Boo’s clearly excellent upbringing, I’m guessing she’ll be a prominent divorcee in no time.
Z: Yes, dear.