Z: Why is there a giant new phallic statue in Paseo Nuevo?
She: I have no idea what you’re talking about. All I saw was a ginormous Christmas Tree. You must have a dirty mind, honey. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
Z: And in this case, a giant phallic statue is just a giant phallic statue. Or, if you’d rather, a giant, round plinth with a crown on top. Tomato tomahto.
She: I just looked. You’re right. That’s one giant phallic symbol in the middle of Paseo Nuevo. And I kind of doubt that’s a holiday symbol.
Z: Do you think they’ll change the name to Phalleo Nuevo?
She: Sounds like the prelude to a fabulous City Council meeting.
Z: I’d even put my good citizen hat on for that one.
She: I did see a sign saying the statue’s not complete, yet. They’re going to add an angel to the top of it.
Z: Ohh, I get it now. They’re going for some sort of edgy twist on “counting the angels on the head of a pin.” That seems an odd choice for a shopping mall.
She: Not that I have anything against giant phallic symbols, but I wonder what was wrong with the previous fountain and courtyard?
Z: Not enough phalluses. Phalli?
She: I liked that old courtyard. The arch was lovely. It looked like a rising, blue-tiled wave with a porthole.
Z: It was also a great place for our child to climb up on and fall off of. He’s going to need pitons and carabiners to scale the phallus.
She: I’m not entirely sold on the new shape of the courtyard, either. It’s got a weird angle at one side now, instead of a nice smooth horseshoe. It’s almost as though they’re trying to discourage children from running straight around it.
Z: It’s like the Soviet Union or something.
She: I guess you don’t have to “get” art to see the value in it. What’s the value in it?
Z: Well, I do like that we finally have some controversial pubic art. Pianos on State hasn’t annoyed anyone, except maybe the occasional shopkeeper who has to listen to “Chopsticks” all day.
She: True. I think the last good public art controversy was Colin Gray’s “W” upside down McDonald’s logo of 2006.
Z: That was a Whopper. I think we should stir up some trouble and start a group that’s opposed to the new plinth. We could call ourselves Phallus Malice.
She: You’re the only person who finds that amusing.
Z: Which is bad why?
She: Just don’t start with the chalice from the palace or we’ll be in a Monty Python skit before we know it.
Z: Which would be freaking awesome. Don’t try to deny me that.
She: I wouldn’t dare. Although I just looked it up and it’s from a Danny Kaye movie, The Court Jester.
Z: As a longtime fan of the brew that is true, I could have told you that — but I was too busy pondering the plinth that makes me grinth.
She: On the plus side for the artist, if the only criticism he receives is from two idiots who love bad word play, then keep building them giant phallic symbols.
Z: Honestly, who cares? I love the new statue/plinth/giant-phallic-thingy. I see nothing but decades of jokes in our future mall visits. Best Black Friday ever.
She: Yes, dear.