She Said, Z Said: It Turns Out John Cusack Isn’t The Sure Thing After All
Cancellation spurs questions as if from a boom box: Does he love me? Does God exist? Who invented liquid soap, and why? Please, say anything
She: Monday night is volleyball.
She: Tuesday is dinner with your mom.
She: And Wednesday is my date with destiny.
Z: I don’t have that on my calendar. Are you using the Mayan calendar?
Z: Oh. I should tell you ...
She: I can’t believe you’ve forgotten about our deal.
Z: I have some news ...
She: We still have our deal, right?
Z: I have no idea what you’re talking about so maybe you better remind me.
She: Long, long ago, when we were living in a romantic relationship universe that involved late night pillow talk rather than you snoring along with Stephen Colbert every night, we each made a list of five celebrities that we were allowed to sleep with — with no negative consequences — if we had the opportunity.
Z: Oh, that list. Nobody really means it. It’s not a binding agreement. Unless, of course, Elizabeth Hurley is coming for dinner.
She: I checked, and it turns out that it is a binding agreement. Don’t you remember my list?
Z: I don’t even remember my list. I just had to Google Hugh Grant’s girlfriend to track down Elizabeth Hurley’s name.
She: Mine was one, John Cusack, two, John Cusack, three, John Cusack, four, John Cusack and five, David Letterman.
Z: David Letterman?
She: It was a long time ago, before Colbert. But don’t fixate on that. Cusack is the one who is finally coming to town.
Z: I thought you couldn’t get an interview. And ...
She: I couldn’t. I have to sit in the audience with everyone else, but I know once John and I make eye contact that will be it.
Z: Oh, really?
She: Peter Gabriel will probably come out of the rafters and start singing.
Z: That’s usually what happens at Campbell Hall.
She: You can’t fight destiny. Sorry, honey. It was nice knowing you.
Z: Maybe you can visit ol’ what’s-her-name Hurley and me for Thanksgiving.
She: His offbeat, gangly good looks, his obvious but not obnoxious intelligence, his quirky sense of humor. ... John Cusack and I were clearly made for each other.
Z: Gee, if only you knew a tall, gangly guy with a quirky sense of humor in real life.
She: I liked him in Class, Sixteen Candles, The Sure Thing, Better Off Dead, even Tapeheads. But I didn’t really have a full on crush on John Cusack till Say Anything. The boom box, Peter Gabriel singing “In Your Eyes.” John’s giant trench coat blowing in the wind. There’s no way I could resist that. Ever. Do you think he’ll wear a trench coat at UCSB? Did Edgar Allen Poe wear a trench coat?
Z: No. But he listened to a lot of Peter Gabriel. I should tell you ...
She: I loved his record store owner in High Fidelity. I have always been a sucker for a guy who can make the perfect mix tape. He even made playing the Woody Allen doppelganger sexy in Bullets Over Broadway and that’s not easy to do.
She: I don’t know how to describe it. But just about every woman I know has a crush on him, and yet there’s something about him that seems approachable. Like if I could just get in a room with him I know we would click.
Z: Then you’re not going to like what I’ve been trying to tell you at all.
Z: He had to cancel. A movie shoot got in the way.
She: Nooooo! This is your fault, isn’t it? You sabotaged his movie so that he wouldn’t come here and sweep me off my feet.
Z: Yes, dear.