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Columnists »She Said, Z Said: Till Science Do Us Part

She Said, Z Said: Till Science Do Us Part

By Leslie Dinaberg and Zak Klobucher, Noozhawk Columnists | Published on 06/06/2010

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According to no less a source than The New York Times, conflict is a relationship uniter and not a divider

She: You’re never going to believe this; we’re actually more happily married than I thought.

Z: Lucky you. You finally realized what a catch I am.

She: Not exactly.

Z: You discovered my hidden trust fund?

She: There’s this new book, For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage, by Tara Parker-Pope, who writes for The New York Times.”

Z: Is she a Facebook friend? Did she tell you how lucky you were to be married to me? I’d like to friend her.

She: Not exactly. But she is sort of a scientific soul mate for you.

Z: A minute ago you were telling me how happily married we are, and now you’re trying to fix me up. Fine. Is she cute?

She: This woman hit a slump in her marriage, and rather than go to counseling, get a face lift, become a cougar or buy a sports car, instead she set out on a search for objective, evidence-based advice about marriage.

Z: Those journalists, always looking for facts and stuff. Columns are sooo much easier.

She: The book takes a statistical look at marriage today and finds that divorce rates in America are actually dropping. Conflict is good, even vital, for couples.

Z: You love that part, don’t you, you sloppy trollop.

She: Well, you’ll love this: statistically, married people have more sex than anyone.

Z: I had no idea that married people were, statistically, also the biggest liars in the world.

She: And you may like this even better: the more financially independent women are, the more likely they are to stay married.

Z: About my hidden trust fund: I still haven’t found it yet, either.

She: On Tara’s Web site there are a bunch of quizzes. I scored A-pluses on the passion scale, how well you know your partner, and assessing your relationship risk.

Z: I’d take that quiz, but then I’d be a girl, and I don’t know how that would work for our marriage. Trust me when I say I’m sure I would have gotten A-pluses on everything, just like I did on all those Cosmo quizzes I took back when we were dating.

She: I also aced the “Are you committed?” section.

Z: And it didn’t say you should be committed?

She: Did I mention that her research also found that fighting can actually be beneficial to your relationship? Commit that, buddy.

Z: My shoulder hurts too much for a real fight. Can’t I just be passive aggressive? Sugar plum trollop?

She: There’s one other thing she said that I know you’ll love. I hesitate to even mention it.

Z: But we’re perfect for each other. How can sharing with me possibly turn out badly for you?

She: Let me count the ways.

Z: C’mon.

She: Fine. One of the predictors of marital unhappiness is using the pronoun “you” instead of “we.”

Z: I am going to marry this Tara girl, even if she doesn’t have a trust fund. So when I ask you what “we bought my mom for her birthday,” or what “we made for dinner,” I’m actually improving our marriage?

She: Who knew?

Z: I think we know who knew. We did.

She: Yes, dear.

— Share your quiz results with She and Z at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).

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