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Gail Rink: Sharing Bad News
A longtime friend asked if I would write a column about sharing bad news.
None of us likes to be the barer of unpleasantness. No one likes to have serious health issues. So it is all the more difficult to share news of a recent diagnosis, especially if the diagnosis is a life-threatening illness. While this is no fun, we all realize we cannot keep serious personal information from the people who care about us. We are vulnerable and need the comfort of family and friends.
Prepare yourself first. Embrace the diagnosis. I know this is easier said then done. Undoubtedly, a partner, friend or your adult child was with you when you heard the diagnosis; use that person to practice talking about yourself and your diagnosis. Listen to your words; notice what you are feeling. Recognize what is comfortable and what is uncomfortable for you to speak about. Becoming comfortable with yourself in relation to the diagnosis will help strengthen your confidence in sharing the news and prepare you to receive the love and caring support that will be reflected back to you.
Make a list, written or mental. List the folks you personally want to tell, those you want someone else to tell, and those who will have to wait for the jungle drum to reach them. When you are ready to receive their response, begin to connect. It might be easier for you to talk to a couple of people together. Family. Close friends. Children. Take as much time as you need to finish your list. And after each conversation, rest and recognize how you are feeling. Each “telling” may not become easier; each “telling” has the unpredictable outcome of emotion. Appreciate the love, concern and compassion you are receiving.
When people hear your news they will react with emotion, logic and good intentions. This may take the form of tears, hugs, words of encouragement, offers of help, perhaps even angry outbursts. “This is so unfair.” Again, practice receiving another’s reaction. Do not try to explain yourself. Feel. Experience the genuineness of their emotion. You are loved and cared about. Companionship and emotional support are vital ingredients for the healing journey — in their way, as important as chemotherapy, surgery, medication and radiation.
— Gail Rink, MSW, is executive director of Hospice of Santa Barbara.
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» on 06.18.08 @ 04:35 AM
Gail Rink is masterful in her role as Hospice of SB Exec. She has such wisdom and sage advice, delivered with personal compassion yet with the authority, strength and clarity of what must be done. You don’t come away from a conversation with Gail saying. “I don’t know what to do…?” She gives you confidence and the courage to face the facts and move the process forward.
It’s about the stricken person and also about the circle of loved ones who need to know and who need to be involved in the process of dying, which is a part of the process of living.
She’s a true community resource.
» on 06.23.08 @ 07:13 AM
Thank you Gail. This article can apply to any bad news we might need to share. It really helped me. Especially the part about how continuing to tell the news may not make it easier to share. Thanks again
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