Gail Rink: Face to Face with the Grief Others Feel

Just because you know the answers doesn't mean you can handle the questions alone

By Gail Rink, Hospice of Santa Barbara | Published on 10.24.2008

  • E-mail
  • Print this page Print
  • Comments (2)
    • Share

Members of support groups reflect one another. A piece of you is a piece of them.
Members of support groups reflect one another. A piece of you is a piece of them. (iStockphoto)

My brother was murdered in 1993. John was my only sibling, younger by 3 years. Naturally, his death was a shock. I must admit, though, my grief recovery was a bigger shock. I found myself so angry at him dying! His death meant I was left alone to care for our mother! John was her favorite. I was the caregiver. Mother was an alcoholic. Dad had died in 1970.

Gail Rink

I remember how strange it felt to understand why I was so angry, but understanding it did not take the anger away. This duality of feeling and understanding was too distracting for me. I had to reach out for help.

I joined a support group in Thousand Oaks for Survivors of Homicide. I generally benefit most from group therapy rather than talk therapy. Why? As a hospice grief counselor, I would be micromanaging the therapist. Support groups consist of many stories, many avenues to healing and points of view. I am stimulated by the input and fascinated by the power of compassionate conversation. Everyone has shared the same kind of loss; instant commonality. Everyone was eager to stop the constant sadness; be comforting and, at the same time, understood. Everyone was listening for answers; which is where the support begins. I recall a peaceful infusion happening for me … empathy and words created the healing companionship I sought.

I also found it challenging to listen to everyone’s story. Some sessions were too much like work. I would distance myself from the conversation; preferring to witness what I was feeling and saying. This was a strange time for me. Processing my brother’s death with a group of strangers was so unlike me!

And yet, week after week, I would drive south to attend.

I learned the anger I felt toward my brother for dying was unusual, not crazy.

I learned that I had difficulty expressing my anger; preferring to cry.

I gained a greater compassion for the people I serve. Recovery is possible. We are a resilient species. I am resilient without “the edge.”

Members of support groups reflect one another. A piece of you is a piece of them. Sharing our humanness strengthens us. Healing returns us to the wholeness of our self.

— Gail Rink, MSW, is executive director of Hospice of Santa Barbara. Call Hospice of Santa Barbara at 805.563.8820 for a schedule of adult and children’s groups.

Comments

Noozhawk's comments are moderated, but by posting here you accept your responsibility to follow our rules as part of Noozhawk's shared online community. Please keep your comments civil and helpful. Don't attack other readers personally, and do not use vulgar, abusive or discriminatory language. Use the "Report Abuse" link if a comment violates these standards or our Terms of Use.

You must be a registered user to comment. Create a user account

Log in




Auto-login on future visits

Forgot your password?

» Elaine Williams on 10.26.08 @ 04:38 AM

It’s not unusual to feel anger when a loved one dies. I felt anger for some time after my husband died. I had three boys who needed him. Grief can be messy and upsetting, and unfortunately sometimes it is misunderstood by society as a whole. There is no quick way to get through it, but by remaining open to life and not shutting down, we can get through it. We can experience joy in living again, it just takes a bit of time. elaine williams http://www.ajourneywelltaken.com

You don't have permission to flag this entry.

» Mark on 12.12.08 @ 06:59 AM

There are different types of death.  One can be a sister who suddenly becomes mentally ill and is diagnosed as a paranoid-schizophrenic.  She becomes another person trapped in a half-way house with a life of medication.  Another can be a mother who dies 8,000 miles away by catching a disease in the hospital while waiting to be diagnosed for something else.  The worse thing you can do about handling loved ones that are living dead, or died without closure, is accept it and move on.  The grief needs to be met head on and talked about, because otherwise, twenty, thirty years later it still burns within you and affects your life in ways you never know.

You don't have permission to flag this entry.

More Local News »

Steve Jacobsen: Alliance for Living and Dying Well a Great New Local Resource

A collaborative community effort is already making a difference in end-of-life care

Steve Jacobsen: Valentine’s Day Not Always Happy for Those Grieving Loss

Transforming the meaning of love in new ways can help lessen the ache of missing a special someone

Steve Jacobsen: In Health Crisis, Let Technology Do the Talking

Phone and online messages are efficient ways to provide updates while offering relief for the family

Gail Rink: With Death, Family Dynamics Change and Life Goes On

Memories help fill the voids left behind by the absence of a loved one

Steve Jacobsen: Phone Calls After the Jesusita Fire

Hospice of Santa Barbara was there, is there for those who need our help

Weather: Fair 61.0º


© Malamute Ventures LLC 2007-2012 | ISSN No. 1947-6086

Web Design & Development by PixelFive