She Said, Z Said: Seven Dirty Words
In honor of comedian George Carlin, our columnists create a list of words not to say — to preschoolers.
Z: With George Carlin’s death last week, his routines have been getting tons of play. He was a funny man.
She: My favorite is still the seven words you can’t say on television.
Z: Or write in your newspaper column.
She: We could still rip him off; we’d just have to do a PG-rated version.
Z: So, for instance, we could come up with the seven things you should never do to a recently deceased comedian.
She: Such as, don’t steal their routines?
Z: Nah, that’s no fun. Maybe we could do the seven words broadcasters really shouldn’t be allowed to say on television. Such as “reality.”
She: Or, “a very special episode.”
Z: Or, “apply directly to the forehead.”
She: That would be good, but I’m thinking more like the seven words you can’t say to a preschooler.
Z: I like that, because even though we’re still shamelessly stealing from a comedian, we’re making it cute by adding kids. I vote for “stupid.”
She: That’s a bad one, because it’s all you’ll hear parroted back from your preschooler for the next year or two.
Z: Kind of like “no.”
She: That’s a tricky one, because you want to be able to say no to your preschooler, but you don’t want them to say it back to you.
Z: Over and over and over again.
She: Which makes you want to say “shut up.”
Z: Which is definitely not OK.
She: “Not OK” goes on the list.
Z: That one is the worst. It’s NOT not OK; it’s wrong, bad, you should be punished for doing that and I’m not afraid to say so. No parent should be allowed to say, “It’s not OK” to their child.
She: “Mommy, I killed a man.”
Z: It’s not OK. See what I mean? It lacks certitude.
She: “Duh.”
Z: And that would be No. 5. I remember it was one of my favorite words as a child. I’d say it and smack my chest really hard. Funniest thing ever.
She: I can’t imagine why your comedy career didn’t go as well as George Carlin’s.
Z: You’re a $#**!
She: I don’t think we can put that one on our list. I think it’s already on Carlin’s. Plus, I think Child Services might have an issue with it.
Z: How about, “Vote Republican?”
She: While I agree that should be on the list of things you can’t tell your child, it seems a little intolerant.
Z: Fine.
She: The way Koss has been brainwashed these days, “bottled water” is a bad word.
Z: Although I think he missed the point when he spilled it out in the sink and refilled the container with tap water.
She: And yet we can’t call him stupid or dumb.
Z: I got one. Junior catches you at an inopportune time, and you say, “Mommy and Daddy were just wrestling.”
She: Definitely a mistake. Then he wants to join in the wrestling.
Z: That goes on the list.
She: It’s not really a word. More of a phrase.
Z: Which the judges are allowing, since it makes it look like we’re stealing from Carlin even less.
She: Then I’ve got one more, just to make it eight.
Z: Perfect.
She: “I love your sister more than I love you.”
Z: How is that bad?
She: Yes, dear.
Share your censored words with She and Z by e-mailing .
» wrote on 07/03/08 @ 06:49 AM
I don’t know who that insulting bozo is, but you guys always make me laugh. Maybe not more than Carlin ... but we’ll see who’s funnier in another 30 years. AB
» wrote on 07/02/08 @ 11:03 AM
Classic column. Thanks guys. Love George Carlin.
» wrote on 07/01/08 @ 06:04 AM
I’m with you guys, the “NoT OKAY” thing has to go. Funny read. Keep em coming.
» wrote on 07/01/08 @ 04:32 AM
I’m confused Leslie. Who’s sister do you love more? Apart from the whole same gender thing, would it actually be sane to say such a thing in front of your spouse, let alone your preschooler? I would have to say that uttering that phrase is dumb, stupid and definately not OK. (Is uttering ok?)
» wrote on 06/30/08 @ 01:43 PM
The 7 Words you can’t say on TV was my favorite Carlin too. Thanks for the tribute. And for the record, I think yowse guys are funny!
» wrote on 06/30/08 @ 09:13 AM
I agree. Keep up the good work and we’ll keep laughing at it.
» wrote on 06/30/08 @ 05:29 AM
For my money, She and Z are awfully darn funny. Keep it up.
» wrote on 06/30/08 @ 05:07 AM
I think Zak and Leslie are witty and dry, and I enjoy reading their column, every week now. It’s easy to get bitter in the wee hours, yes?
» wrote on 06/30/08 @ 12:47 AM
Sorry, but you can’t steal talent; you’re still without any.