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She Said, Z Said: Does Late-Night TV Curb Your Enthusiasm?

There may be something to the theory that late-night TV is an effective family-planning device

By Leslie Dinaberg and Zak Klobucher, Noozhawk Columnists | Published on 01.03.2010

Z: I finally figured out why we only have one child.

She: Biology?

Z: Don’t be ridiculous. I went through a list, and determined that it’s not careful planning, or a conscious decision to preserve the planet’s resources, or even a plot to make people come up with the most awkward way to ask us if we’re having any more.

She: I’m pretty sure it’s biology.

Z: I was reading some end-of-the-year stories, and one of them jumped out at me as a clear and simple explanation.

She: Were these stories in a biology book?

Z: Back in July, Ghulam Nabi Azad, the Health and Family Welfare minister in India, called for the rapid electrification of rural India as a solution to overpopulation.

She: Not following you.

Z: Because once you have electricity, then you can have TV. And once you have TV, then you can have late night TV. And, as Mr. Azad said, “If there is electricity in every village, then people will watch TV till late at night and then fall asleep. They won’t get a chance to produce children. When there is no electricity there is nothing else to do but produce babies.”

She: You mean it’s not biology? It’s Jon Stewart’s fault?

Z: Totally. And before him, it was Letterman’s fault.

She: But ... but I love Jon Stewart and David Letterman. And they’re the ones who kept me from having more babies? Those cads. I can’t believe they’ve been screwing with me all these years.

Z: Not exactly. That’s kind of the point.

She: I suppose we have to blame Saturday Night Live, too.

Z: If there were no Saturday Night Live, then Koss would have at least a dozen siblings. Think about it. We’re the only people I know who still tune in every Saturday.

She: We traded twins for A Night at the Roxbury and Superstar?

Z: And It’s Pat!

She: On the plus side, none of those movies required middle-of-the-night feedings.

Z: And Stephen Colbert is personally responsible for our not being able to field a complete basketball team, much less a mixed doubles pair. He’s never going to expand the Colbert Nation if he keeps this up.

She: Here I thought that all the late-night hosts were our friends.

Z: Turns out they’re big, human condoms, every one of them. We went in thinking they were trying to make us laugh, but then they hooked us. It’s population control, pure and simple.

She: I don’t know. Aside from the fact that your theory is retarded, don’t forget about our friends the Bs. They watch Saturday Night Live, and they have four kids.

Z: I always knew there was something odd about them. I guess some people find Andy Samberg an aphrodisiac.

She: Jimmy Fallon was the one who always gave me sweet dreams on SNL, and now he has a late-night talk show. It’s all starting to make some kind of twisted sense.

Z: And Rob Riggle and Jason Sudekis went from SNL to Jon Stewart. There’s clearly a late-night conspiracy going on here. Who should we warn?

She: Those poor Indians will never know what hit them.

Z: As if exporting Pizza Hut and McDonald’s wasn’t harmful enough to their way of life, late-night television will completely change things.

She: Saturday Night Live’s on in five minutes.

Z: It is? I guess we’re done with this column, then.

She: Yes, dear.

— Share your late night TV thoughts with She and Z by e-mailing .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).

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» Dan on 01.04.10 @ 11:06 AM

Ha! So glad you guys uncovered this dastardly plan.