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She Said, Z Said: Young Love
Z: I have a new name for Koss.
She: Susan?
Z: No. Huh?
She: That’s the part he played in his camp skit. Susan the evil minion.
Z: No, not Susan. Kossanova.
She: Smooth.
Z: Without even knowing it.
She: Or wanting it.
Z: It all started innocently enough.
She: And ended in the same place.
Z: We went to a small get-together to see a friend who was out here from New Jersey. He brought his daughter and his stepish daughter.
She: Both about the same age as Koss, and both very cute.
Z: He had no idea. He thought he was having a good time playing with them. For him, it was all running around and good fun.
She: Little did he know.
Z: The next day, one of them called. I’ll call her “Cougar.’’ She is, after all, a whole grade older. She said, “Thanks for the birthday present.” He said, “OK, cool, see ya,” and thought that was it.
She: Oh to be 10 and clueless.
Z: Ten minutes later, the other one called and said, “Cougar likes you. Do you like like her?”
She: The poor kid. He had no idea what to say. He’s woefully unprepared for the whole boy-girl thing.
Z: “Close the deal!” I screamed. “Get the digits, make the date!”
She: You’re a lovely, supportive father. He just turned 10. Give him a break!
Z: Instead, he squirmed and looked uncomfortable for a minute, and said, “No. I like her fine. I don’t know.”
She: Those poor girls had no idea they were dealing with a 10-year-old boy. He has no interest in a girlfriend. He closes his eyes when there’s kissing on TV.
Z: At Transformers 2 he had no problem with massive robot-on-robot violence, but as soon as they started to kiss, he wanted me to take him out of the theater.
She: Unless the girls want to shoot baskets and have burping contests with him. Then he likes to play with girls.
Z: Otherwise, girls as girlfriends are totally off his radar screen. His radar screen wouldn’t even know what that bogey was.
She: I hope you told him how to let the girls down gently.
Z: They don’t call me Mr. Sensitive for nothing.
She: Or ever. The only thing worse than a 10-year-old girl with a broken heart is an 11-year-old girl with a broken heart.
Z: He was a nice boy. Besides, like he said, “New York girls. What are you going to do?”
She: Just keep in mind that we’re setting the stage for his future behavior toward women right now. Someday I want a daughter-in-law who’s smart and funny and interesting and, even more important, will give me lots of grandchildren.
Z: I told him to go ahead and let her buy him Pokémon cards, but that he doesn’t owe her anything.
She: Zak!
Z: I know. A car seems excessive. But should I have said Wii games?
She: Don’t even joke. That’s all we need is him turning into the gigolo of fifth grade.
Z: He’d only be following in his father’s footsteps.
She: Off the cliff of reality. Have you checked the balance on Koss’ therapy bond lately?
Z: Solid. Like all our financial investments.
She: I think my favorite line was when he heard that Jay was coming to town this week. “Oh, no!” he moaned. “He has a daughter, too, doesn’t he?”
Z: I think we’re going to have to work on that boy’s self-esteem.
She: It all comes back to Susan from the camp skit. He has no problem playing with girls, that’s why they get crushes on him. Most of the boys just ignore them.
Z: That and he’s a raging hunk. You know, like father, like son.
She: Yes, dear.
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» on 08.24.09 @ 10:34 AM
Oh ... those poor girls better watch out. What a sweet one this was.
» on 08.24.09 @ 02:41 PM
I still remember my first crush in 5th grade. Please tell Koss to be gentle.
» on 08.24.09 @ 03:28 PM
If Koss is anything like his dad, he’ll think all the girls have crushes on him but be sorely delusion. If he’s anything like his mom, everyone will have crushes on him and he’ll be completely nice to them but only interested in college guys. Not that I’m bitter or anything ...
» on 08.24.09 @ 03:42 PM
Another funny Monday. Thanks, guys.
» on 08.24.09 @ 07:36 PM
Yep, better get to work on that kid’s self esteem. He’s going to be crushed when he reads these columns someday. Meanwhile ... I do enjoy them.
» on 08.24.09 @ 08:06 PM
On Zak would call an 11 year old a cougar. Thanks for the giggles. I needed those today.
» on 08.25.09 @ 12:03 PM
Got to watch out for those East Coast girls. I thought my daughter had dibs on Koss!
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