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She Said, Z Said: You Drive Me Crazy
Z: Why is everyone in town driving into walls?
She: Because the walls won’t come to them? I don’t know. What are you talking about?
Z: There’s an epidemic of wall crashers, and I think something ought to be done.
She: Still not following you.
Z: First off, there was that guy who drove his car into the wall at the DMV.
She: That’s not exactly an epidemic. Unless you’re talking about an epidemic of irony.
Z: I even saw one myself. I was getting lunch at Taco Grande in Carpinteria, and a few doors down, someone drove a sedan through the door of Sandcastle Time jewelry store.
She: Are you sure it wasn’t a robbery?
Z: If it was, they forgot to take any jewelry. Or their car. I’m guessing not.
She: This still isn’t sounding like an epidemic to me.
Z: I’m just saying these things happen in threes. I’m just saying I’m not eating lunch by a door or window any time soon, that’s for sure.
She: Cars drive into walls in threes? I don’t think that’s science.
Z: I’d love to be at the DMV the next time the guy who drove his car into their wall tries to retake his driving test. Can you imagine being that examiner?
She: I’m guessing a lot of employees will call in sick that day.
Z: How hard would it be not to say, “OK, turn left here, and don’t hit that building. We’re going to try to parallel park now, but watch out for that barn.”
She: This is why they won’t let you work at the DMV.
Z: You seem awfully unconcerned about this whole driving into walls thing. What’s up with that?
She: It’s because I know exactly what’s going on.
Z: And?
She: They’re all looking for a mailbox.
Z: Huh?
She: Haven’t you noticed? Almost all of the public mailboxes have disappeared. It’s driving me nuts. The one in Five Points, the one in La Cumbre Plaza, the one at the Turnpike Shopping Center ...
Z: Still not following you.
She: All gone. They even took away the one in front of Folio Paper Press Post on Hollister, although, they did leave the one in Hope Ranch intact.
Z: That’s because rich people don’t know how to use e-mail.
She: I know the post office is hurting, and this must be some kind of cost-cutting measure, but I miss my mailboxes. I like snail mail.
Z: I know you do. You and all of your handmade, please-hand-cancel-card-and-I’ll-pay-extra-postage cards are probably the only thing keeping the post office in business.
She: I try to do my part. But seriously, they even took away one of the mailboxes from in front of the Goleta post office. How does that save money? It’s ridiculous.
Z: What does this have to do with the wall crashers?
She: Isn’t it obvious? People are so startled by the lack of a mailbox, that they just keep going up the curb and into a building.
Z: How is this more scientific than the rule of three?
She: Because I said it.
Z: I know what’s really going on here.
She: I’m good at science, and you’re not?
Z: You’re just trying to come up with an excuse for the time you drove into our fence.
She: It was your car, and I wasn’t used to it. I hadn’t driven stick in almost 20 years.
Z: Uh-huh. Come on. Admit it. Say it.
She: OK, fine. The mailbox startled me.
Z: Yes, dear.
Run into any walls lately? Were you looking for a mailbox? Tell She and Z at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).
Comments
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» on 09.08.09 @ 09:18 AM
People aren’t just driving into walls, don’t forget the plane driving right into the freeway a couple of weeks ago. Maybe that guy was looking for a missing post office or something. As always, enjoy your column. Thanks for the chuckles.
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» on 09.08.09 @ 09:20 AM
So what is the deal with all of the mailboxes disappearing anyway? I’ve been wondering about that myself. Perhaps Noozhawk should do some investigating, instead of only making jokes about it.
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» on 09.08.09 @ 09:23 AM
And here I thought it was the heat making everyone drive so crazy. Thanks for the uh, clarification.
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» on 09.08.09 @ 10:04 AM
How could have forgotten the plane? Maybe that one will get its own column. ...
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» on 09.08.09 @ 10:36 AM
Back in 1900, in New York City, mail was delivered 9 times a day. But these days, NYC mailboxes are dwindling too.
Funny how no one misses the pay phones, though.
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» on 09.08.09 @ 11:39 AM
Seriously, could someone tell me why the mailboxes are disappearing?
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» on 09.08.09 @ 11:47 AM
Another funny one, per usual. But seriously, I’d like to know where all of the mailboxes went too. I understand budget cuts, but how are we going to use the postal service when they make it so hard to find a darn mailbox!
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» on 09.09.09 @ 09:29 AM
As usual, you guys just crack me up. I have to learn to not drink coffee when I read this column. It comes out my nose almost every time! On a serious note, what is up with the mailboxes? Can Noozhawk find out?
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» on 09.09.09 @ 04:47 PM
Another funny one. Thanks, guys.
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» on 09.09.09 @ 05:35 PM
Thank you for all of your “handmade, please-hand-cancel-card-and-I’ll-pay-extra-postage cards”. That is hilarious.
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» on 09.11.09 @ 11:39 AM
Only you guys could make a subject like mailboxes (or the lack thereof) make me laugh so hard I almost spilled my morning coffee. I should know better by now! Thanks. -JB
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» on 09.11.09 @ 11:41 AM
Forget the mailboxes. Where have all the public trash cans gone? It used to be you couldn’t go a block without one. Not anymore.
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» on 09.11.09 @ 11:42 AM
Leslie’s got to be keeping the post office in business with all of her sweet handmade cards. What’s up with that? Give us back our mailboxes.
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» on 09.11.09 @ 11:46 AM
An epidemic of wall crashers? I had no idea.
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» on 09.11.09 @ 12:03 PM
Leslie has never been known for her driving skill, but knocking over your own fence. Sounds like an “I Love Lucy” episode to me. Or maybe “I Love Leslie.”
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» on 09.11.09 @ 02:06 PM
I’ve been wondering about those mailboxes too. Thankfully, I haven’t slammed into any though.
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» on 09.12.09 @ 06:51 PM
Play it Again Sports in Goleta has a sign out front that says “Mailbox has been removed by the post office—we have no idea why” or words to that effect. It is a trend.
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» on 09.12.09 @ 09:13 PM
Wait until the post office takes over your health care.
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» on 09.13.09 @ 09:43 AM
And don’t forget the Fairview Center’s missing drive-up-mailboxes. The “improved” remodel left them out…the developer said it was the Postal Service, the Postal Service said it was the developer…and in the end there is NO drive-up mailbox where we used to have 2 + a stamp machine!!
(and no, the one mailbox on the sidestreet doesn’t cut it. You have to park, get out and walk around the car for a 3:30 p.m. or so last pickup.)
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» on 09.13.09 @ 10:52 AM
People have been vandalizing the mail drop boxes by putting all manner of nasty stuff down the slot—the Post Office has gotten fed up.
I don’t blame them but do miss the convenience. I live on arural route so have to take all my valauable mail into the PO itself—their curbside drive-by boxes are along a curb that says “absolutley no stopping”. Figure that one out. And the boxes are on the passenger side of the car…d’oh!
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» on 09.13.09 @ 08:42 PM
The reason for the missing drop-off mailboxes: It’s not about vandalism. It’s about cost-cutting. The USPS has to pay someone to drive to the box, turn off the vehicle engine. get out of the mail truck, take out a key, empty the box .... and go on to the next one. That takes manpower, a truck and gas. Then the USPS has to send out a supervisor every now and then to check to see if the driver has done his or her job and time how long it has taken and how long it should have taken.
Quietly and surreptitiously, remove the drop-off boxes one at a time and you don’t get a public outcry. And USPS management gets kudos and bonuses for saving money.
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