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She Said, Z Said: Ode to Caffeine
She: Honey? Where do we keep the strychnine?
Z: Third drawer down on the ... wait a minute. Why do you need the strychnine?
She: Dr. B said my blood pressure was too high, and that I need to cut caffeine out of my diet for a little while. I’m going to poison him.
Z: No need to shoot the messenger.
She: Not shoot him; that’s gross. Poison. Much less messy.
Z: He didn’t say forever. Only awhile.
She: That’s why I’m not going to poison him forever. Silly. Just the once.
Z: Look, I like caffeine as much as the next person, but ...
She: No, you don’t. You don’t even drink coffee. Which reminds me of something I’ve been meaning to ask you: Are you a big wuss?
Z: No need to get testy.
She: I’m way past testy. I think I might be moving on to goofy. The second stage of mourning caffeine.
Z: There’s more than one stage?
She: Ode to Caffeine, by Leslie Dinaberg. Roses are red, violets are blue, gimme my freakin’ espresso.
Z: That’s nice.
She: I got no cola. There’s a hole-a in my heart. I got no tea. Sad, sad me. I got no Sanka. By Paul Anka.
Z: It is a bummer that you can’t have coffee right now. A study just came out saying that caffeine reverses memory impairment in Alzheimer’s mice.
She: See? It’s purely medicinal. Maybe Dr. Whatshisname can write me a prescription before I poison him.
Z: Although, I’m not sure how they determined that the mice had Alzheimer’s to begin with.
She: I heard they were no longer able to add columns of numbers. Poor little forgetful fuzzy friends. Makes me want to cry.
Z: Third stage?
She: Sadness. I feel bad for Starbucks. I think I might be responsible for a few of them closing this week, if I don’t get there soon. My selfish high blood pressure could be the death knell of the vente and the grande.
Z: I really don’t ...
She: Why won’t you step up? Why can’t you take my place, and go drink some coffee? Think of the baristas!
Z: I think it has to do with my upbringing. No one in my family drank coffee. In fact, caffeine was a bad word in my house.
She: But you drink plenty of colas and teas now. What changed?
Z: It turns out that iced tea with a lot of sugar in it is really tasty. It’s a gateway drink. If I’m not careful, I could be on coffee before I’m 50.
She: Wow. Good story.
Z: Sarcasm?
She: Fourth stage. Am I going too fast for you?
Z: Something like that.
She: Do you have any coffee on you? Come on, you can tell me. Just one little shot. That’s all I need. A coffee nip candy?
Z: Be strong. There’s always decaf.
She: I don’t care how messy it is, I’m going to have to shoot you now.
Z: Don’t you think you’re being a bit dramatic?
She: I never realized it before, but that rich, strong aroma of nondecaf coffee is the only thing that makes getting out of bed worthwhile.
Z: Seriously?
She: So I’m going to stay in bed. Fifth stage of coffee grief. Nap time. Nighty-night.
Z: Yes, dear.
— When She and Z aren’t bemoaning the lack of caffeine in their lives, they can be reached at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).
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» on 09.21.09 @ 09:25 AM
I was wondering why I hadn’t seen you at Java Station lately. Hope you’re feeling better soon.
» on 09.21.09 @ 10:09 AM
Totally pointless.
» on 09.21.09 @ 10:33 AM
CONCUR, fully and happily as “a morning coffee user” myself! Here in The Beehive State, I get into some really interesting discussions during walks around town with most LDS locals, re: the incidence of prostate cancer or related problems in the Andes Mountains, where coffee is grown. I say: “ZERO! Because coffee is Mother Nature’s colon flush”! The LDS look aghast & then remain speechless, for the time being. SO: I await a ‘Revelation’ from The Mormon Church’s First Presidency to allow them to contribute to personal good health. BUT = It may take a while, since the last “revelation”—on precisely WHO could be accepted into the LDS church membership, as a person of color—took fully 14 more years AFTER “The Civil Rights Law (1964)” came into being, with its long awaited presidential signature.
» on 09.21.09 @ 11:56 AM
When is this column going to go the way of the dinaberg- sore… I mean dinosaur?
» on 09.21.09 @ 12:45 PM
Even without caffeine, you’re still funny to me.
» on 09.21.09 @ 03:46 PM
What’s your obsession with Santa Barbara? There must not be much goin’ on out there.
» on 09.21.09 @ 03:47 PM
This looks like it was written by a couple of fourth graders.
» on 09.21.09 @ 04:27 PM
Humor is obviously in the eye of the beholder, but you guys crack me up!
» on 09.22.09 @ 11:23 AM
Leslie’s always funny, with or without caffeine. Hope you feel better soon.
» on 09.22.09 @ 05:04 PM
I’m laughing but feeling sorry for you too! I don’t know where I’d be without coffee. Definitely not as funny as you are.
» on 09.22.09 @ 05:05 PM
Ha! I can relate. I had the problem with I had to give up carbs and red meat. Staying healthy is not much fun. Then again, neither is the alternative.
» on 09.26.09 @ 04:53 PM
Just reading this makes me crave a triple latte.
» on 09.27.09 @ 11:48 AM
I can relate to this. I had to cut out coffee recently and it is SO HARD!
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