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She Said, Z Said: By Any Other Name
Z: I’m sad.
She: Are we out of beer? I can go to the store. Don’t worry, honey. Don’t cry.
Z: No, it’s not that. Anyway, we still have Scope. It’s that I just found out that kids don’t make fun of each other’s names anymore.
She: Oh. You poor thing.
Z: That was my one marketable skill. Parents from around the country would come to me to ask if I could make fun of the name they were considering bestowing on Junior, to make sure other kids wouldn’t be too cruel.
She: I don’t remember any income from this.
Z: It’s how I gave back. They would ask me, “Frank?” and I’d say, “Frank & Beans” or “Frankly, my dear.” They’d query with, “Sherman,” and I’d say, “Please don’t squeeze him” or “Sherman tank.” They’d ask, “Richard?” and I’d say, “Are you freakin’ kidding me?”
She: And this makes you sad? The whole baby name consultant business is drying up. Now the professionals charge only a $35 flat fee. Could it be that kids are too mature to tease each other about their names these days?
Z: I don’t think it’s a maturity thing.
She: Seems unlikely.
Z: I think it’s yet another sign that kids are being raised in a smothering, overprotective bubble. If you can’t even make fun of other kids for their names, what kind of a playground environment is that?
She: I don’t think that’s it. I think it has to do with the proliferation of unusual names. Koss — who doesn’t have the most straightforward name himself — has already been friends with a Niamh, an Anoushevan and a Jahmikhaili. I don’t think he’s ever met a Tom, Dick or Harry.
Z: Heh heh. Tom, Dick and Harry. Makes me giggle just thinking about it.
She: This from the man who once considered “Manroot” and “Roadkill” as viable options for our unborn child.
Z: But not Niamh, Anoushevan or Jahmikhaili.
She: Not only are they tough to pronounce — let alone make fun of — but there are so many unique names out there that kids don’t even notice something different.
Z: I, on the other hand, was Big Zak Attack.
She: I was Big Bird. I hated that so much. La La and Lezzy were fine.
Z: I had college friends who grew up together named Tucker and Chuck Puckette.
She: I’m guessing they didn’t have very subtle nicknames.
Z: No, but they owned it. They even went to the trouble of making a perfectly clean limerick using both of their names.
She: Industrious.
Z: And it made them stronger. They took the abuse, turned it around and made it something beautiful.
She: Yeah. Right.
Z: Now it turns out the only people who care about whether their kids are going to get teased on the playground are the parents.
She: I know. It’s still the first thing a lot of people worry about when picking a name. What does it rhyme with? How will it be used to torture the poor kid?
Z: And then all of the kids on the playground don’t even bother to make fun of little Bupkis Butts. All that prenatal worrying wasted. What is the world coming to?
She: Yes, dear.
— Share your nicknames with She and Z by e-mailing .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).
Comments
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» on 11.16.09 @ 09:58 AM
After all the hazing I went through as a child, it dismays me to learn that today’s children are getting off easy. Funny column.
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» on 11.16.09 @ 10:07 AM
My son is Tucker and, unfortunately, he does get teased about his name. Hopefully kids are a little more accepting now than they were, but we’ve still got a ways to go.
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» on 11.16.09 @ 11:40 AM
I got teased a lot as a kid. The name thing is really just a method, not the root. If you want to help your kid not get teased, teach your kid to ignore it and pretend they don’t care. The name isn’t the real problem, it is the capacity of one person to wield power over another by using words to manipulate feelings. Words can be powerful, but if you deprive the teaser of any reaction, the teasing stops. Then at home, you have to love the kid and remind them that other people can be terribly mean for a lot of reasons unknown to the rest of us. We are never going to get off easy, because there are always insecure jerks out there looking for a victim. I don’t believe in bubbles for kids, just tools to navigate.
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» on 11.17.09 @ 09:14 AM
I love to read the birth announcements and am fascinated by the number of Nicole’s and Cameron’s. It’s funny how name trends go. I’m sure if we wait long enough Karen and Julie’s will start propagating once again.
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» on 11.17.09 @ 09:20 AM
Thanks for the morning laugh, as usual.
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» on 11.17.09 @ 11:29 AM
Like the other Richard, I also suffered from some obvious nicknames as a kid. I think it builds character and am disappointed that today’s kids are such wimps.
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» on 11.18.09 @ 09:27 PM
Kids know where other kids’ soft spots are. They can behave viciously with each other. Name calling is as old as the hills. No matter what you name your kid, there is ALWAYS something that will pop up that you never imagined possible. It is human nature to tease.
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» on 11.20.09 @ 10:23 AM
I love that the kids are being given more original names these days. I say any way to allow people to creatively express their individuality should be encouraged and certainly not mocked.
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» on 11.20.09 @ 02:08 PM
I got a chuckle out of this one. You guys are so funny.
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» on 11.21.09 @ 06:34 PM
... and chuckling. You guys make me laugh every week. Thanks. I needed that.
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» on 11.21.09 @ 06:36 PM
I agree, kids know where the buttons are. If they aren’t teasing about names, trust me, they’re teasing about something else. It’s just the way of the world.
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» on 11.22.09 @ 11:53 AM
I wish I could say that I had noticed less teasing on the playgrounds but that’s simply not the case. All of these strange names just give the kids even more fodder to be mean to each other.
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» on 11.22.09 @ 07:17 PM
I had to chuckle at this. My sons are named David and Michael and they don’t know any other kids with those “unusual” names. It really is funny how these things go in waves.
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