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She Said, Z Said: The Horror, The Horror
Z: Please don’t do it. He wasn’t that bad.
She: He sassed me, and now he must pay.
Z: Have you no mercy? Have you no sense of decency?
She: The boy needs to learn to not talk back to his mother.
Z: And for this, you’re forcing him to watch The Twilight Saga: New Moon? He’s just a boy!
She: I really can’t think of a much worse punishment. I could take away his Wii for a week, but I don’t think he’d miss it that much. I could cancel his allowance for a month, but he doesn’t buy anything. Or, I could take him to see the gush-fest that is The Twilight Saga: New Moon. I’m pretty sure the boy will never sass me again.
Z: I’m calling Child Protective Services.
She: Forced to endure two hours of Bella and Edward and Jacob pining after each other, constantly on the verge of smooching, and I guarantee that our child will be nothing but respectful from now on.
Z: He is a bit of a caricature when it comes to 10-year-old boys and movie kissing.
She: The slightest hint of romance sends him screaming. I just have to flash him a DVD with Julia Roberts and he’ll do anything I tell him to just to avoid watching.
Z: It’s amazing to me how even though we all love movies, everyone in this family still has some genre of movie that is nothing but torture.
She: If I never see another Pokémon movie in my life, I’ll still forever have Ash Ketchum’s herky-jerky, animated image burned into my retinas. That’s what I call torture.
Z: I kind of liked that movie.
She: That’s because you’re a child. Do you want to come see Twilight with us?
Z: No thanks. While I don’t love the gush, I can still sit through it.
She: True. And your under-the-breath comments have lessened over the years.
Z: That’s what she said.
She: What was that?
Z: Nothing, dearest. I love romantic comedies. They’re very romantical.
She: Cut it out, or I’ll make you go see Saw VI.
Z: Brrrrr. For me, it’s horror. I’m still not sure if I’ve ever seen an entire horror movie, or it’s just that the brief snippets that I have seen have scarred me so badly that I can’t even say the words Hannibal Lecter without flinching slightly.
She: Horror? I can’t imagine you going near a horror movie. You passed out when we saw Cape Fear.
Z: Nooo. Not true. I almost passed out at Cape Fear, and I still think it’s because I ate too much garlic beforehand. And DeNiro was freaky intense.
She: I still don’t know what happens after he poisons the dog.
Z: Ugh. Oh, yeah. But it really was the garlic that made me almost pass out.
She: Come to think of it, I saw a lot of half-movies when Koss was little. I still don’t know why the “First rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club,” why that volleyball was so important in Cast Away, or where the car actually was in Dude, Where’s My Car?
Z: I can’t believe we tried to get Baby Koss to sleep through all those movies.
She: We saw Runaway Bride six times that first year and he was fine.
Z: That’s what she said.
She: What was that?
Z: Yes, dear.
— Share your favorite family movie favorites with She and Z by e-mailing .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).
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» on 11.30.09 @ 11:12 AM
And to think my brothers tortured me with “Rocky Horror Picture Show.” Who knew the same could be achieved watching “Twilight.”
» on 11.30.09 @ 11:16 AM
Twilight Torture. I love it and couldn’t agree more. Unfortunately my three teen and tween-age daughters love everything to do with Edward, Jacob, etc. I try to escape by watching ESPN.
» on 11.30.09 @ 11:25 AM
I hate to admit it, but I’m a grown woman and love those Twilight movies. I could do without Cape Fear and Fight Club however.
» on 11.30.09 @ 12:34 PM
My girlfriend dragged me to New Moon and let me tell you, watching that movie is probably even more torturous to a 17 year old boy than a ten year old! Funny column.
» on 11.30.09 @ 12:46 PM
You guys crack me up every Monday. Thanks for the much-needed laugh. I’ll have to threaten my kids with Twilight Torture the next time they get out of line. (the boys that is, the girls would love it)
» on 11.30.09 @ 01:21 PM
I’m with you on the Pokemon movies but our whole family (including an 11 year old boy) actually liked the Twilight movies.
» on 11.30.09 @ 08:53 PM
This brings back memories of when my brother used to make us watch scary movies like “he knows you’re alone” and “carrie.” No wonder I won’t go near a SAW video either.
» on 11.30.09 @ 10:21 PM
I probably shouldn’t admit this, but for me, I’m done with Winnie the Pooh movies!! There I’ve said it! I feel a tremendous weight lifted from my shoulders! Thanks Guys. Zak, remind me to show you my Alien collection!
» on 12.01.09 @ 03:41 AM
Thanks a lot Leslie. He poisons the dog? There are rules to fight club? Volleyball? What car? Cinema classics ruined by this article.
» on 12.01.09 @ 11:40 AM
I used to love Lilo and Stitch but I have to admit my girls have watched it so many times now that it grates on my nerves. I am literally forced to go into the other room when they pull out that DVD—which actually isn’t such a bad thing, come to think of it.
» on 12.01.09 @ 11:43 AM
I hate to admit it but I actually kind of enjoyed “new moon.” Of course the highlight was the gasps by the teen girls in the audience every time one of the werewolves took off his shirt (which was often) but I think it’s a guilty pleasure and your son will appreciate it in a few years.
» on 12.01.09 @ 06:21 PM
“New Moon” was awesome. I’m sure your son would actually like it if he got over himself. Go team Jacob!
» on 12.01.09 @ 06:23 PM
Usually I love to read what you guys write, but now you’re giving my sister some ideas about making me watch stupid movies with her. Can you please not do that???
» on 12.03.09 @ 10:32 AM
I have to learn not to read your column in public ... hilarious as usual! Sorry to the guy in line in front of me I startled with my chuckling.
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