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She Said, Z Said: Free-Range Children in a Helicopter World
She: Time’s cover article last week was, “The Case Against Over-Parenting.” Do you think we over-parent?
Z: I think that because we’re having this conversation, by definition, yes.
She: I actually think I over-parent and you under-parent, so hopefully together we’re doing OK.
Z: Except when it comes to cookies. You way under-parent in that category.
She: I hope you won’t be offended, but if anything ever happens to me you’ll be legally required to run all major parenting decisions by my sister, your sisters and a few of our friends. It’s just a precaution.
Z: Why would I be offended?
She: And just talking about how you raise your kid doesn’t count as over-parenting. It seems minimally conscientious at worst.
Z: I guess I’m comparing us to previous generations. It used to be if you lost a couple of your kids to the lions, it would mostly be a drag because now you only had 10 children working your fields instead of a dozen.
She: We have one egg in one basket, and I’m not letting him near any lions. Or you anymore, for that matter.
Z: You’re right, it’s different now. One kid changes the equation. Cocooning him in bubble wrap every morning doesn’t always seem like a terrible idea.
She: So I won’t cancel my order, which is good, because otherwise I was going to wrap him in Charmin.
Z: The problem is that when you do that, then you kill all sorts of learning possibilities. If you’re always protecting your kid, then they never learn to protect themselves.
She: Alive and helpless isn’t the worst thing.
Z: Back when I was Park Dad, I had a rule of thumb for when he was climbing something, or learning a new piece of playground equipment.
She: You let him climb stuff? Seriously? You don’t love him.
Z: I always let him get high enough that it would hurt if he fell, but it wouldn’t maim or kill him.
She: Maiming was your threshold? That’s it. In the event of my death even minor decisions will have to be run by a jury of my peers.
Z: Honestly, breaking was my threshold. Serious scratching. Whatever. I wanted him to find out what his limits were, without putting him in real danger.
She: Well, it is true that we’ve kept him out of the emergency room (knock on wood).
Z: Other than the time we starved him when he was first born. My bad.
She: I don’t want to be an overly overprotective parent. I joke about having to balance you out, but the truth is I do fight against my helicopter instincts on a pretty regular basis.
Z: The only way a kid learns the right way to fall is to fall a few times.
She: Hey, I read the book on Free-Range Kids. I know all of the statistics on why we shouldn’t be afraid to give children at least the same amount of freedom that we had as kids.
Z: What’s the worst that could happen?
She: I broke an arm and nine fingers when my parents left me home alone.
Z: See? You can’t give in to the fear.
She: My favorite line from the Time article was that “Fear is a kind of parenting fungus: invisible, insidious, perfectly designed to decompose your peace of mind.”
Z: You’re going to be a bundle of fun when he gets his driver’s license, aren’t you?
She: My imagination splinters into a million fearful little pieces whenever I think about anything bad happening to Koss.
Z: On the other hand, I do agree that you can be too laissez-faire. I’m not a huge fan of the local day-care provider who let her own kids plus one of her charges go free-climbing up the side of a cliff.
She: I’ve got mixed feelings about that one, but I wouldn’t let Koss do it. I’ve still got the gray hair from when we let him go rock climbing — in a harness and safety gear — with his teacher in second grade.
Z: You realize he has that same teacher again this year?
She: And you realize that if they do it again this time, you’ll be the one chaperoning while I’ll be in full denial mode.
Z: You’re good at that.
She: It’s been a while, but your youthful sky diving, mountain climbing and river rafting days gave me a lot of practice.
Z: Yes, dear.
— Share your free range opinions with She and Z by e-mailing .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).
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» on 12.07.09 @ 10:45 AM
I for one cheered when I saw the Time cover about the end of overparenting. How will these kids ever grow up if they don’t have any independence.
» on 12.07.09 @ 10:50 AM
I was remembering last night while I was chopping wood for our fire, that by 15 I had a BB Gun, occassional use of my father’s shotgun (for hunting), an axe used for cutting wood. I also remember riding my bike to school regularly as early as 5th grade with free reign to go to the mall (5-10 miles away) by 7th grade. Why shouldn’t kids be able to do that today? What happened? I wouldn’t get my kids a BB Gun, let alone an axe! When did we wuss out as a society?
» on 12.07.09 @ 10:51 AM
About time somebody spoke up about all of their hovering parents. It’s ridiculous and causing the kids to be wimps who are woefully unprepared for the real world.
» on 12.07.09 @ 11:23 AM
I get so tired of the whole coddling vs. get-tough debate. That’s a matter of style, not substance.
The bottom line is that it takes a lot of time, energy and focus to really listen to your kids, and pay close attention to what they think they want and need. If you do that, they’ll feel loved, and will develop both a strong sense of their own goals and a healthy respect for yours. If you don’t, it doesn’t matter how permissive or strict you are; they’ll sense your lack of attention, interpret it as a lack of love, and your parenting problems will begin to snowball.
» on 12.07.09 @ 11:37 AM
We wussed out as a society as soon as the Internet and cable tv started telling us about all the things we should be scared of. Before that we were blissfully ignorant and had to rely on rumors.
» on 12.07.09 @ 01:37 PM
The challenge for me is often doing what I feel is right and then risking the censure of other parents. Its hard not to feel doubtful when you’re the only one who lets her son
ride a bike, take the bus, stay home alone, etc. Even when you know he’s perfectly safe and capable of doing these things by himself.
» on 12.07.09 @ 02:25 PM
Well, the fact is that they are not “perfectly safe” staying home alone nor walking hand-in-hand with you down the street.
The question is whether they are prepared for the surprises that happen….wait for it….unexpectedly.
I still worry about my kids on trips and when I know they are out late…but since they live across country and down in LA, I don’t know very often when they are out late, but I usually know when they’re taking a long trip. But even though they are in their 20’s, I still worry.
My comfort is that while they grew I’ve given them the freedom to strengthen their judgment “muscles” and they’ve faced the consequences of their decisions even though sometimes they were painful and not the easy way.
My wife once observed that some parents let their kids walk on the curb and some have a panic attack when they are away from the curb, on the sidewalk, but a car is coming down the street. Both work as long as the child learns about safety and boundaries that are real.
» on 12.07.09 @ 05:48 PM
I like that idea of “strengthening the judgement muscles.” Perhaps someone should write a book and become a highly paid consultant, then maybe some of these crazy hover-parents will listen.
» on 12.08.09 @ 10:19 AM
You made me laugh and made me think but I have to say I’m with Zak on this one. Let the kids fall just don’t let them get hurt too much.
» on 12.08.09 @ 10:29 AM
I am definitely a free range parent but my kids are still much more fearful than I was back in the day. I think it’s all the bad news on TV, quite frankly. Anything we can do to encourage independence is great in my book.
» on 12.08.09 @ 10:42 AM
I say if they’re alive at the end of the day then I’ve done my job.
» on 12.13.09 @ 11:07 AM
I’m on the climbing day-care provider’s side. Let kids explore and learn! It’s only by falling that we learn our limits. My siblings and I all survived our childhood mostly in tact, and trips to the emergency room were limited to about one/year, which was pretty good with 4 active kids. I still take reasonable risks (physical, mental, emotional), because I learned to do it early, and life is much more fun because of it.
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