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She Said, Z Said: Winter Solstice

To make a long season short, toss another yule log on the fire and throw a parade ... it's time for a party

By Leslie Dinaberg and Zak Klobucher, Noozhawk Columnists | Published on 12.20.2009

Z: Santa Barbara has a party for everything. Wine parties, chalk parties, fundraising parties, Christmas parties, parade parties, sports parties, and Halloween parties at the No. 1 party school. We have so many parties, that we even have a week in August named party.

She: Fiesta. Forever. All night long ...

Z: And before that, we have a blowout celebration for Summer Solstice.

She: Because one, whole, straight week of parties isn’t enough.

Z: I agree. Which is why I find it surprising that we don’t have something equally bacchanalian for Winter Solstice.

She: The first day of winter. In ancient Greece they had “The Festival of the Wild Women.” A man was torn to shreds and eaten by a gang of women.

Z: Probably not great for tourism. Unless we could get Tiger Woods, and all the women were cocktail waitresses. Hotel room nights would triple.

She: In ancient Rome all sexual prohibitions were lifted for the Winter Solstice. Men dressed as women. And the Romans performed erotic dances with a large phallus that was carried during the dancing processions.

Z: Been there, done that, pretty much every Summer Solstice. Santa Barbara’s Winter Solstice needs its own, unique celebration.

She: It’s not exactly like we can have some great snow festival. It’s more like we’re celebrating the changing of the season from warm and pleasant to slightly less warm and pleasant.

Z: “The Slightly Less Warm and Pleasant”–fest doesn’t have the party mood I’m looking for.

She: It’s not just the first day of winter; it’s also the shortest day of the year.

Z: Hmm. How about a midget festival?

She: Not exactly PC.

Z: We could all wear shorts.

She: In Santa Barbara, we call that Saturday. If you’re our kid, you call that every day.

Z: We could all wear pants?

She: That would just annoy every middle-aged contractor in town.

Z: How about a short film festival?

She: Perfect. And to honor our endless, 12-hour winter nights, we could watch abbreviated versions of Night Shift, Night at the Museum, Night Moves, Night and Day, The Nightmare Before Christmas and A Night at the Roxbury.

Z: Nah. It’s got to be something more festive. How about a Shawty Festival, in honor of Sophia’s dog?

She: That has possibilities, especially with Big Dog going bankrupt. We could have a short dog parade on Winter Solstice.

Z: Do you mean short dogs, or a short parade?

She: Both. I vote for a short dog parade for Winter Solstice, and all of the dogs need to wear ugly Christmas sweaters.

Z: Way to work the winter holiday thing in there.

She: Their owners, too. The uglier the better.

Z: There also has to be a bonfire, fairies and a yule log.

She: A yule log?

Z: It’s a pagan solstice tradition.

She: What do you know from yule logs?

Z: Absolutely nothing, but it’s the funniest solstice word I can think of. Yule log. How is that not funny?

She: I think we’re starting to get something here. Short dogs in ugly sweaters marching around a bonfire of yule logs.

Z: And Winter Solstice is traditionally the time when wine and beer have completed the fermentation process.

She: How perfect is that?

Z: Drunk people and short dogs in ugly sweaters marching around a yule log bonfire.

She: I think we may have the beginnings of yet another beautiful Santa Barbara tradition.

Z: Unless Tiger Woods is suddenly available.

She: I hear he’s looking for a new place to live.

Z: Yes, dear.

— Share your Winter Solstice celebration ideas with .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).

Comments

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» Mo on 12.21.09 @ 02:17 PM

yo - what’s with all the short jokes ?!?!? LOL