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Lisa Braithwaite: How I Lost It and Got It Back Again — and How You Can, Too
[Noozhawk’s note: Lisa Braithwaite is a public-speaking coach in Santa Barbara and author of the Speak Schmeak blog. This is the first in a three-day series describing her experience with anxiety and panic attacks. She is sharing her story with Noozhawk readers in hopes that it may encourage others who encounter similar situations. Click here to download an audio file of this article. Click here for Braithwaite’s second article. Click here for her third article.
]
A year ago today I lost it. I became so overwhelmed with panic that, after several hours of trying every trick I knew to thwart it (including trying to watch the movie Amélie — who could have a panic attack in the middle of Amélie?), I told my husband to take me to the emergency room, the only solution I could think of. A few hours later, the drugs had finally kicked in and I was back home.
This wasn’t my first panic attack, but it was my worst. I’ve written previously about the car accident 19 years ago that triggered my first round of panic attacks. After months of therapy in 1991, I got them under control and thought I had put them behind me.
But in 2008, they came back, and more persistently than the first time. The triggers were unpredictable. I couldn’t fathom why I was having them again after so much time. Perhaps the house fire, a car accident, my husband leaving his job to start a business, a back injury and one of our 16-year-old kitties being diagnosed with cancer — and my lack of tools to deal with the strain and upheaval — had something to do with it. But at the time, it was all a mystery.
Whatever was going on, I needed to get it under control, as I could see the problem was escalating. I scheduled an appointment with a therapist for Dec. 30. And not a moment too soon. I had to cancel our second appointment when I woke up exhausted, sick and groggy from the Jan. 5 attack.
. . .
I’m talking about this now because I know a lot of you suffer from various degrees of anxiety. And I should make it clear that my panic attacks are not related to public speaking.
But I want to share this because I know what you’re going through, at pretty much any level — I’ve been there. And I’ve spent a lot of time learning about and using tools to combat the anxiety, both when it’s happening, and as preventative measures before it strikes. I had a good head start 19 years ago when it happened the first time, but those tools only took me so far. This time around, I’ve gone much more in depth in an effort to resolve this issue.
To be honest, I was afraid to share this with you, for fear of undermining my own credibility as a coach. After all, if I can’t get my own panic attacks under control, who am I to try to help you? But then I realized that that was exactly the reason I should share my story. Because I made it through the toughest year of my life. And I got it back together. And so can you!
. . .
Back to January 2009. Back at home after the attack, I fell apart. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. My stomach was in knots. I woke up every night with nightmares, and adrenaline rushes that enveloped me in wave after wave of chills up and down my spine. I couldn’t bear to leave the house, except for basic errands, doctor appointments and Baby’s appointments with the vet, the oncologist and several emergency hospital stays. I lost 10 pounds in a month. I was constantly afraid.
One night while my husband was out of town, my neighbor invited me over to watch a movie. I tried to fight the panic with all my might, but couldn’t do it. Our homes are only a few feet apart, but I couldn’t stay.
After the ER visit and three days of being unable to sleep, eat, leave the house or stop crying, I was prescribed medication. One, a longer-term treatment for anxiety, a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor, or SSRI, and the other, a short-term, quick-acting sedative called Ativan. The uptake period for the long-term drug was painful and came with its own raft of side effects, and my doctor asked me to stay on it for a minimum of six months due to the risk of relapse, even after symptoms are gone.
Together with cognitive behavioral therapy, medication is standard treatment for acute panic, and I only ever considered it a temporary solution — not something I intended to continue for the rest of my life. But really, I had no idea how long I would need this. I agreed to try it for six months. (In the past, I’ve written about the use of drugs for public speaking anxiety, and I stand by my previous statements; please explore all your options before deciding on medication. You should see a doctor and a therapist before making the decision to use drugs; it is not a decision to make lightly.)
And so life goes on. I had clients, interviews and speaking engagements I had committed to. I had a blog to write (and thanks again to several guest posters who got me through that first month). I had a cat who needed treatment and constant care. It was brutal; I could barely take care of myself. I was lucky to have the support of my closest friends and my husband. I couldn’t imagine going through this on my own.
One day, I walked into the overheated, windowless meeting room at a client’s office, and immediately broke out in a panicky, claustrophobic sweat. I excused myself for a second to run to the restroom and I popped an Ativan, hoping it would kick in at the speed of light. It was quick, but not quick enough. I went back to the meeting and squeezed a tissue under the table in my sweaty left palm, discreetly dabbing the perspiration on my upper lip as I powered through the first half of the meeting with the client. And I mean powered. I had to be a machine, and I was. It was a great meeting.
I did have to cancel one speaking engagement that I had coveted for years. Realizing I would have to get on a plane, deal with travel and crowds and be out of my comfort zone so soon, I knew I wasn’t ready. It broke my heart to back out, perhaps never to have this opportunity again. I realized that, if I was going to heal myself mentally and physically, I needed to cut back on work commitments and slow down.
At one point, while I was going through a period of strange hyperactivity but still barely eating, we attended a friend’s small poker party. I mentally prepared myself for being around people, I made a point not to drink, and I had a good time. Except that I became overstimulated from all the talking and laughing and lay awake in bed until 6 a.m. the following day.
When people asked why they hadn’t heard from me or seen me in weeks, I said I had the flu, which also conveniently explained the rapid weight loss. Every day, I asked myself, “What the @#$% happened to me?” I had no answer.
In Parts 2 and 3, I’ll talk about how I got my life back in order, got off the medications, and how I’m keeping it together now.
— Lisa Braithwaite is a public-speaking coach in Santa Barbara and author of the Speak Schmeak blog. You can follow her on Twitter: @LisaBraithwaite.
Comments
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» on 01.11.10 @ 12:01 AM
But someone please tell me why anyone would want to “follow” someone on twitter. Hell I’m too busy with my own life to care what anyone else is doing and be barraged with their mundane activities. Especially when it’s so impersonal. Is it like a nosy busybody stalking thing for people with no life of their own? “I’m brushing my teeth, now I’m taking a shower, I’m about to go to the store, I’m at the store.. my niece had a baby it’s 2 pounds… who cares!!! I’m bored enough just reading people’s annual Christmas brag sheets, let alone “following” their every boring daily move. Or am I completely missing something? Yikes!
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» on 01.11.10 @ 12:09 AM
Question for “Not to change the subject”: How is what you describe as Twitter behavior any different from your inane sharing of what you don’t like about Twitter? At least with Twitter, we’d only have to read 140 characters of your nutjob tirade.
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» on 01.11.10 @ 08:36 AM
I thoroughly agree with “Not to…” but think she/he must have posted it in the wrong place? There’s no reason to twitter if you don’t want to read twits and their tweets.
...Anyway, I very much look forward to parts 2 and 3 of this and hope they’re published soon. At the very least there should have been some statement as to when they will be published! :)
[Noozhawk’s note: Check back with us Tuesday and Wednesday for parts 2 and 3 and a profile of Lisa Braithwaite.]
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» on 01.11.10 @ 03:55 PM
Umm let’s see J.D. first of all I was just askin’. You apparently took it personally. You must be one of the stalkers or stalkees. Jeez get defensive about it?
How is what you describe as Twitter behavior any different from your inane sharing of what you don’t like about Twitter? Well let’s see, I don’t think anyone is subscribing to me and following me around like some obsessed goofball looking for more of my inane ring and nutjob tirades. If they were I would question their sanity in the same way I just did.
I posted this here because there is an offer to follow the author on twitter. Nothing personal to the author, but why in God’s good name would anyone want to, and why would she want anyone too? Just askin’, cuz I don’t get it.
And to the other poster, I realize there is no reason to twitter - that is exactly my point and my question - if there is no reason, why do people?? Just askin’, cuz I don’t get it.
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» on 01.11.10 @ 06:47 PM
If you want to learn about Twitter and why people use it, here are some useful articles:
http://mashable.com/guidebook/twitter/
http://www.deannazandt.com/2009/03/02/why-twitter-anyways/
http://www.webdesignerdepot.com/2009/03/the-ultimate-guide-for-everything-twitter/
http://www.johnjantsch.com/TwitterforBusiness.pdf
http://www.coachlisab.com/news_press_twitter.pdf
Why judge something that you haven’t explored? Twitter can be whatever you want it to be. If you don’t want to write about brushing your teeth, don’t. If you don’t want to read about other people brushing their teeth, don’t follow the ones who do. It’s that simple.
It’s a great tool for business networking, to keep up with faraway friends and family, to pass along interesting news and articles, to stay in touch with clients, to find a job, to do research, etc., etc. When the Jesusita fire started in SB, when bombs went off in Mumbai, when protesters gathered in Iran, Twitter had all the angles covered from people who were right there and reporting from the scene.
Try it. You might like it.
LB
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» on 01.11.10 @ 06:52 PM
Another example:
The day I posted this first installment on my blog, a guy was experiencing his first panic attack. He was so scared, he went to the ER. He did a search on Twitter to see if anyone was talking about panic attacks. He found my link to my blog post and read it. Here’s what he wrote in the comments:
“It’s so encouraging to realize I’m not alone, and that it’s not ‘in my head.’
It’s truly frightening how debilitating it was. Your post gives me hope that I can overcome this! I’m going to see my doctor tomorrow, with a renewed sense of optimism.”
He was able to find that post, and the series, just when he needed it, because of Twitter. Good stuff.
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» on 01.12.10 @ 12:57 AM
Thank you Lisa- there is not much I didn’t already know but I still don’t get it - Google and email seem quite sufficient for the stated purposes, (networking and research) does everything have to be instant? I couldn’t have found your blog or one like it with Google? In the situation you cited of breaking news, perhaps I can see the value. But that is a rare event. Otherwise it is just more information to filter and sort through - too much information, but thank you for the response and my compliments on your article, especially the second one where we got past the medications.
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» on 01.12.10 @ 11:23 AM
I love this article, thank you for taking the time to write about your experience with panic attacks. I myself have suffered all my teenage and until now I am (22 years old) with panic attacks. I have been able to control them up into the point when I graduated from college a week ago.
For some strange reason I am now getting them back and worse then before. When I was 16 I was constantly scared of presentations and social gatherings. Now I love doing presentations and do them frequently at my workplace for training and coaching.
It’s nice to hear an inspiring story like this. I am apart of a group of people that suffer from panic attacks and other social phobias; I am going to send your article to them. I feel confident that if someone can beat the odds I can too. Thank you once again.
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» on 01.12.10 @ 03:48 PM
Thanks for your comment, Allyce, and for sharing these articles with others! It’s great that you have a support group; talking about this is one way to keep it from overpowering us!
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