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She Said, Z Said: Succeeding at Failing to Set World Record
Z: I can’t believe school is almost starting and once again our child hasn’t set a single Guinness Book world record. I’ve failed him.
She: It’s not your fault. Too many camps.
Z: You would think between rugby camp, circus camp, soccer camp and nature camp, he would have found something to shoot for.
She: What about most ice packs used in one summer?
Z: He did have an awful lot of injuries this year. Do you think he could apply to the Guinness Book for that?
She: Nah. Hyper-extended knees, scratches on the back and rugby foot aren’t exactly Evel Knievel level stuff.
Z: How about the shoulder injury from being at the bottom of the pyramid? That was impressive.
She: Was it a pyramid with 136 people?
Z: No. Wimp.
She: He needs something bigger. Last week a family in Beverly Hills applied for the record for the longest lemonade stand. They want it to take up an entire park.
Z: Apparently they’re still squeezing out some of the details. Get it? Squeezing?
She: You read the article?
Z: Of course. You know my secret ambition has always been to set a Guinness Book world record.
She: Even after we saw the guy with the longest fingernails at the Farmers Market? It was disgusting.
Z: His wife had to feed him his lunch. He’s either seriously committed to his nails, or it’s a very clever ruse to get his wife to feed him.
She: Yuck!
Z: There’s a guy in West Virginia attempting to get in by building the world’s tallest LEGO tower.
She: Seems like after Legoland you might be able to get Koss interested in that.
Z: He was. But it’s way too hard to get the building permit for it in Santa Barbara, even after we told them that it would be good for the environment.
She: I don’t think using only green LEGOs makes it a green building.
Z: In my childhood summers, we had nothing to do but try to set world records, because it was either that or do yard work. I got up to 483 consecutive bounces on my pogo stick one time.
She: I knew I married well.
Z: My sister stayed on her stilts for at least 15 minutes, and I could juggle for at least 20 minutes.
She: I can’t believe you guys never got in.
Z: Meanwhile, our kid has camp and swim team every day. He’s just too tired to be properly motivated.
She: Don’t forget about DirecTV and Starcraft II. I think those are the real culprits.
Z: And I don’t think he could possibly set any records playing Starcraft II. Those people are seriously committed.
She: Besides, Guinness is kind of old school.
Z: Old school? No way. Ten thousand Chinese students just got in by forming a human domino chain. This is cutting-edge stuff.
She: You guys should have gotten in on Matt McAllister’s most T-shirts worn at one time record when he was in Santa Barbara.
Z: Something I’ll always regret.
She: You’ll have to make up something else.
Z: It seems like you don’t take this seriously.
She: Of course I do. I love that you can make up something and decide that’s a world record. I’m going the use the word ‘furble’ five times in a row. Furble furble furble furble furble. There. I set the record for writing the word furble the most times in a row.
Z: Please. That’s not how it works. There are rules.
She: Rules rules rules rules rules.
Z: We used to try to make up new records categories, but they mostly tended to the scatological. Most farts in an hour, most …
She: I get it, I get it. Again, I married well.
Z: Yes, but how many times? There’s a couple in the Guinness Book who have renewed their vows 83 times. If we get started today I think we can beat that.
She: Yes, dear.
Z: You’re supposed to say, “I do.”
She: Yes, dear.
— Share your feats of wonder with She and Z by e-mailing .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).
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