She Said, Z Said: Ode to Caffeine

http://www.noozhawk.com/noozhawk/article/092009_she_said_z_said_ode_to_caffeine/

By Leslie Dinaberg and Zak Klobucher, Noozhawk Columnists

Leslie follows doctor's orders to cut coffee out of her diet and suffers a few, er, side effects

She: Honey? Where do we keep the strychnine?

Z: Third drawer down on the ... wait a minute. Why do you need the strychnine?

She: Dr. B said my blood pressure was too high, and that I need to cut caffeine out of my diet for a little while. I’m going to poison him.

Z: No need to shoot the messenger.

She: Not shoot him; that’s gross. Poison. Much less messy.

Z: He didn’t say forever. Only awhile.

She: That’s why I’m not going to poison him forever. Silly. Just the once.

Z: Look, I like caffeine as much as the next person, but ...

She: No, you don’t. You don’t even drink coffee. Which reminds me of something I’ve been meaning to ask you: Are you a big wuss?

Z: No need to get testy.

She: I’m way past testy. I think I might be moving on to goofy. The second stage of mourning caffeine.

Z: There’s more than one stage?

She: Ode to Caffeine, by Leslie Dinaberg. Roses are red, violets are blue, gimme my freakin’ espresso.

Z: That’s nice.

She: I got no cola. There’s a hole-a in my heart. I got no tea. Sad, sad me. I got no Sanka. By Paul Anka.

Z: It is a bummer that you can’t have coffee right now. A study just came out saying that caffeine reverses memory impairment in Alzheimer’s mice.

She: See? It’s purely medicinal. Maybe Dr. Whatshisname can write me a prescription before I poison him.

Z: Although, I’m not sure how they determined that the mice had Alzheimer’s to begin with.

She: I heard they were no longer able to add columns of numbers. Poor little forgetful fuzzy friends. Makes me want to cry.

Z: Third stage?

She: Sadness. I feel bad for Starbucks. I think I might be responsible for a few of them closing this week, if I don’t get there soon. My selfish high blood pressure could be the death knell of the vente and the grande.

Z: I really don’t ...

She: Why won’t you step up? Why can’t you take my place, and go drink some coffee? Think of the baristas!

Z: I think it has to do with my upbringing. No one in my family drank coffee. In fact, caffeine was a bad word in my house.

She: But you drink plenty of colas and teas now. What changed?

Z: It turns out that iced tea with a lot of sugar in it is really tasty. It’s a gateway drink. If I’m not careful, I could be on coffee before I’m 50.

She: Wow. Good story.

Z: Sarcasm?

She: Fourth stage. Am I going too fast for you?

Z: Something like that.

She: Do you have any coffee on you? Come on, you can tell me. Just one little shot. That’s all I need. A coffee nip candy?

Z: Be strong. There’s always decaf.

She: I don’t care how messy it is, I’m going to have to shoot you now.

Z: Don’t you think you’re being a bit dramatic?

She: I never realized it before, but that rich, strong aroma of nondecaf coffee is the only thing that makes getting out of bed worthwhile.

Z: Seriously?

She: So I’m going to stay in bed. Fifth stage of coffee grief. Nap time. Nighty-night.

Z: Yes, dear.

— When She and Z aren’t bemoaning the lack of caffeine in their lives, they can be reached at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).

http://www.noozhawk.com/noozhawk/article/092009_she_said_z_said_ode_to_caffeine/