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Paul Burri: Been There, Done That
I have a 17-year-old granddaughter who is struggling with growing up. Come to think of it, I’m 79 and I’m having the same problem.
Dear M——-,
Believe it or not, I think I know how you’re feeling now because I had similar thoughts and feelings when I was about your age. I distinctly remember worrying about not knowing all the answers and being concerned that I didn’t.
Well, I have good news and bad news about that.
The bad news is that there are no absolute answers to all of our questions about God, your boyfriend or the universe, or “Why am I here?” “How do I achieve happiness?” “What am I supposed to do with my life?” “Where will I be 20 years from now?” and “What’s it all about?”
The truth is that if there are any answers, they are different for each person. Then, when you realize that whatever answers you get to those questions apply to you personally, you will realize that they are conditional and temporary for where you are at that time of your life. Even a lifetime of studying and questioning will bring you only a tiny bit closer to getting answers that satisfy you.
The good news is there are no absolute answers to all those questions. How is that good news? Once you realize there are no answers, you can stop worrying about finding them. It will take you a lifetime to find the answers, so you can stop feeling bad when, at 17, you still don’t have them.
There is something called the Serenity Prayer that starts out, “God, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.” It goes on from there, but realizing there are and will be many things in life we can’t control and achieving the serenity to accept it is the most important part of the message.
I also suspect that you feel, as I did when I was about your age, that your feelings, problems, passions and answers are all unique to you. That no one has ever felt the joy or the pain you’re experiencing. That no one has felt the depth of love you feel for that one special person in your life right now. That no one has experienced the pain you feel when you’re separated from that person. That no one has felt the pain you felt when that person dumped you for someone else. That no one has felt the disappointment you felt when you lost the job you wanted. And that no one has felt the hopelessness of being in a situation you can’t get out of.
Well, the good news is that nearly everyone has had those same feelings at some time in their lives. The good news is that you’re not alone. The good news is that you will get through whatever “forever” situation you’re in now. The even better news is that you will come out being a stronger, wiser and happier person for having been through it.
How do I know all of this? Because I’ve been there, done that.
If you give it time, you will know that, too, so that someday you’ll be able to pass that encouraging news along to an important someone in your life — a lover, a friend or a child of your own.
With much love,
Grandpa
— Paul Burri is an entrepreneur, inventor, columnist, engineer and iconoclast. He is not in the advertising business, but he is a small-business counselor with the Santa Barbara chapter of Counselors to America’s Small Business-SCORE. He can be reached at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).
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