Sex, Pies & A Few White Lies is every woman’s story told with Monica Parker’s particular brand of irreverent humor. This award-winning actress and writer muses on the reality that either five pounds too much or 50 brings on a full-menu of psychosis from an obsessive stalking of bakers, a committed avoidance of mirrors and a determination to drown out the judgment of all those skinny @%* gym rats, which leads to the pendulum-swing of endless dieting, binging, purging and, ultimately, gratitude.

Monica Parker says her show 'Sex, Pies & A Few White Lies' is about 'my long struggle with weight and about my dysfunctional family.'

Monica Parker says her show Sex, Pies & A Few White Lies is about “my long struggle with weight and about my dysfunctional family.”

Parker’s observations about her very personal struggles will make you cringe, scream and laugh out loud. Her “one and a half woman” show opens at Center Stage Theater in the heart of downtown Santa Barbara for two nights only — at 8 p.m. this Friday and Saturday, March 25-26. This is part of the West Coast premiere tour.

“By nature, I am an entertainer and storyteller. I thought it was time to take some of my stories out of the various living rooms I have shared them in and put them on the stage,” Parker said. “I have talked about my family anecdotally for years. It was always cathartic and funny, but when I moved back to Canadian winter two years ago from sunny Los Angeles, I stopped talking and started writing.

“This story is about my long struggle with weight and about my dysfunctional family. I believe that’s the only kind of family there is. So for me it was a choice — go to therapy or write about it.”

Her story is universal in many ways as it focuses on her struggles with body image. Sex, Pies & A Few White Lies is about the 101 humiliations Parker has endured to finally understand that life is to be celebrated. It’s funny, yet heartbreaking, and a love story.

“We all get chipped and dented along the road of life, but that’s what makes us interesting, and laughter is the best way to deal with all of it. Most importantly, it’s a life affirmation that we are all good enough just as we are,” Parker said. “I have always known I was destined for big things. I just kept hoping that it meant more than my dress size.”

Working in film and television in Los Angeles for more than 20 years made it abundantly clear her dress size was one of the smallest of her big things. She returned home to Canada to breathe the fresh air, create series television and to celebrate life by touring her mostly true, one and a half woman show. Sex, Pies & A Few White Lies is full of adult humor and situations, thus is not meant for children.

Tickets are $25. Click here or visit the box office at 750 Paseo Nuevo. Hours are noon to 5 p.m. Monday through Friday and one hour before all shows. Mastercard and Visa are welcome.

Get a group of your girlfriends together for one raucous, lively and heartfelt night of live theater with enough fodder to take the night into the wee hours of the morning.

— Maureen McFadden is a publicist.