She: My favorite ride at Disneyland was Space Mountain. What was your favorite ride?
She: That’s not a ride.
Z: Oooh, yes it is. It’s the most thrilling ride ever.
She: No, it’s just the Disneyland ticket scheme.
Z: It’s brilliant. It’s exciting, it’s thought-provoking, it’s suspenseful, and it fires off those endorphin rushes that the Matterhorn can only dream of provoking.
She: You just live to go to the front of the line, don’t you?
Z: It’s more than that. It’s a complete strategy. It finally gives dads something to do at Disneyland. Planning the timing and location of which rides to use the FastPass on is more complicated than any basketball triangle offense, more tactical than a quarterback sneak.
She: It’s standing in line.
Z: Like all the best rides, the rules are simple. You get to use one FastPass at a time, so you have to pick carefully.
She: I still say the teacups would have been worth it.
Z: You get a ticket that tells you what time to come back to the front of the ride — some future, hour-long window — and then you can wander the park shopping for mouse ears, you can wait in another line to double your line-waiting minutes, or you can make fun of families who all wear the same shirts.
She: You definitely were Strategy Man on our trip. Those poor Norwegian tourists didn’t know what hit them when you tricked them into letting us go ahead of them “since we knew where to find Nemo.”
Z: Do the math, woman: If the wait for a ride is an hour in the blistering sun and the ride lasts two minutes, then during a six-hour visit we could go on five rides right before getting sunstroke. This ends up costing us 17 bucks a minute for actual ride time.
She: Who knew that Disneyland in the middle of summer might be hot and crowded?
Z: The best thing of all? It’s completely egalitarian — everyone gets to do it. You get to be annoyed at those VIPs who are sneaking into the front of the line on one ride, and then you get to be the VIP sneaking into the front of the line on the next ride.
She: But did you really have to yell “in your face” every time?
Z: I thought it added a little Disney merriment to the occasion.
She: I only wish that they had FastPasses for the bathrooms.
Z: That would be cool. Or the restaurants.
She: Why just at Disneyland? I think they should have FastPasses at the DMV and the supermarket.
Z: I like that. We should all get to choose some line that we can go to the front of once a week. Think how much stress that would relieve.
She: I would use mine at the post office, during the entire month of December. That would rock. Ooh, or at the bathrooms at the Bowl. That would totally rock.
Z: I’d go for parking lots. Definitely crowded parking lots. There’s nothing worse than being right on the cusp of having to pay for the next hour in a parking lot, getting in a long line to get out, and having to pay for the extra hour. I’d use that FastPass in a second.
She: You know when you should get your very first FastPass? In the womb. Let’s send these kids straight out into the world, no waiting. Moms won’t have to go through 15 hours of labor, and babies will get their first taste of the Disney brilliance.
Z: Yes, dear.
Share your Fast Pass fantasies with She and Z at email@example.com.