Sunday, May 20 , 2018, 4:13 am | Fair 52º

 
 
 

She Said, Z Said: Augh! Don’t Look at Me! I’m a Monster!

Your ad could go here, or on Zak's forehead

Z: Our reign of anonymity has come to an end.

She: Don’t you mean yours?

Z: Ours. Noozhawk has posted our photo. The illusion has been shattered. Millions and millions of readers across Santa Barbara will no longer read She Said, Z Said with visions of Astaire and Rogers dancing through their heads.

She: Astaire and Rogers? How old do you think we are?

Z: If you look at our pictures, you can figure it out. Count the rings.

She: We don’t look that bad.

Z: But we are in black and white. We must be old.

She: Seriously — Astaire and Rogers? This is who you think people are picturing when they read our column?

Z: Sure. Or, Pitt and Jolie. Ryan Reynolds and Minka Kelly. Maybe Weird Al and Queen Latifah on a bad day, but generally speaking, I don’t think they’re picturing us. Now they have to.

She: I kind of like knowing what the person I’m reading looks like.

Z: I don’t. It always ruins it for me. Once I see an author’s face, I have a much harder time taking them seriously.

She: Being taken seriously is a consideration for you?

Z: Seriouslyish. Seriousilishly?

She: Not so much.

Z: I almost never look at the author’s photo on a book’s back cover. They always look too old, or too young, or too much like a hippy, or too untrustworthy. I would never believe a story if I saw that I was the guy writing it.

She: As well you shouldn’t.

Z: Doesn’t it ruin a book for you when they make it into a movie? Then the characters are no longer who you pictured, but the actors who are playing them.

She: Sure. But — as much as you might like to think so — we’re not fictional. Plenty of people already know what we look like, and they’re not making a movie about our column.

Z: But they could.

She: They definitely could.

Z: That would be a blockbuster movie. Astaire and Rogers could do interpretive dances of all our columns.

She: They’re kind of dead, and you’re kind of freaking me out with the old man references.

Z: Sorry. It’s the black and white thing.

She: I think the pictures are very artful. Don’t forget, we didn’t exactly have Annie Leibovitz come over to take them. Given our limited Photoshop skills I think they’re OK.

Z: I noticed that there are a lot of shiny foreheads in the Noozhawk pics, though. Do you think Noozhawk only hires bald guys? I suppose it is more of a hawk-like look.

She: Speak for yourself. I’m not bald and I definitely don’t have a hawk-look going. Chipmunk maybe, but not a hawk. Plus I was happy to finally have a photo with my eyes open, despite the wrinkles on my neck and what looks like the beginning of a goiter.

Z: You look OK, but look at my forehead.

She: It’s perfect. They can put advertising on your forehead and my neck. It would be very nice placement for Santa Barbara Middle School or Village Properties.

Z: I wonder how much I could get for a Village Properties ad across my forehead?

She: That’s a lot of real estate. They couldn’t even fit the whole thing in our picture.

Z: So, given our millions and millions of readers all across Santa Barbara, I’m guessing at least a million bucks. Location, location, location.

She: Yes, dear.

— Share your photo suggestions with She and Z by e-mailing .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).

Support Noozhawk Today

You are an important ally in our mission to deliver clear, objective, high-quality professional news reporting for Santa Barbara, Goleta and the rest of Santa Barbara County. Join the Hawks Club today to help keep Noozhawk soaring.

We offer four membership levels: $5 a month, $10 a month, $25 a month or $1 a week. Payments can be made through PayPal below, or click here for information on recurring credit-card payments.

Thank you for your vital support.

Become a Supporter

Enter your email
Select your membership level
×

Payment Information

You are purchasing:

Payment Method

Pay by Credit Card:

Mastercard, Visa, American Express, Discover

Pay with Apple Pay or Google Pay:

Noozhawk partners with Stripe to provide secure invoicing and payments processing.

  • Ask
  • Vote
  • Investigate
  • Answer

Noozhawk Asks: What’s Your Question?

Welcome to Noozhawk Asks, a new feature in which you ask the questions, you help decide what Noozhawk investigates, and you work with us to find the answers.

Here’s how it works: You share your questions with us in the nearby box. In some cases, we may work with you to find the answers. In others, we may ask you to vote on your top choices to help us narrow the scope. And we’ll be regularly asking you for your feedback on a specific issue or topic.

We also expect to work together with the reader who asked the winning questions to find the answer together. Noozhawk’s objective is to come at questions from a place of curiosity and openness, and we believe a transparent collaboration is the key to achieve it.

The results of our investigation will be published here in this Noozhawk Asks section. Once or twice a month, we plan to do a review of what was asked and answered.

Thanks for asking!

Click Here to Get Started >

Reader Comments

Noozhawk is no longer accepting reader comments on our articles. Click here for the announcement. Readers are instead invited to submit letters to the editor by emailing them to [email protected]. Please provide your full name and community, as well as contact information for verification purposes only.

Daily Noozhawk

Subscribe to Noozhawk's A.M. Report, our free e-Bulletin sent out every day at 4:15 a.m. with Noozhawk's top stories, hand-picked by the editors.

Sign Up Now >