Sunday, August 19 , 2018, 1:41 am | Overcast with Haze 67º


She Said, Z Said: Augh! Don’t Look at Me! I’m a Monster!

Your ad could go here, or on Zak's forehead

Z: Our reign of anonymity has come to an end.

She: Don’t you mean yours?

Z: Ours. Noozhawk has posted our photo. The illusion has been shattered. Millions and millions of readers across Santa Barbara will no longer read She Said, Z Said with visions of Astaire and Rogers dancing through their heads.

She: Astaire and Rogers? How old do you think we are?

Z: If you look at our pictures, you can figure it out. Count the rings.

She: We don’t look that bad.

Z: But we are in black and white. We must be old.

She: Seriously — Astaire and Rogers? This is who you think people are picturing when they read our column?

Z: Sure. Or, Pitt and Jolie. Ryan Reynolds and Minka Kelly. Maybe Weird Al and Queen Latifah on a bad day, but generally speaking, I don’t think they’re picturing us. Now they have to.

She: I kind of like knowing what the person I’m reading looks like.

Z: I don’t. It always ruins it for me. Once I see an author’s face, I have a much harder time taking them seriously.

She: Being taken seriously is a consideration for you?

Z: Seriouslyish. Seriousilishly?

She: Not so much.

Z: I almost never look at the author’s photo on a book’s back cover. They always look too old, or too young, or too much like a hippy, or too untrustworthy. I would never believe a story if I saw that I was the guy writing it.

She: As well you shouldn’t.

Z: Doesn’t it ruin a book for you when they make it into a movie? Then the characters are no longer who you pictured, but the actors who are playing them.

She: Sure. But — as much as you might like to think so — we’re not fictional. Plenty of people already know what we look like, and they’re not making a movie about our column.

Z: But they could.

She: They definitely could.

Z: That would be a blockbuster movie. Astaire and Rogers could do interpretive dances of all our columns.

She: They’re kind of dead, and you’re kind of freaking me out with the old man references.

Z: Sorry. It’s the black and white thing.

She: I think the pictures are very artful. Don’t forget, we didn’t exactly have Annie Leibovitz come over to take them. Given our limited Photoshop skills I think they’re OK.

Z: I noticed that there are a lot of shiny foreheads in the Noozhawk pics, though. Do you think Noozhawk only hires bald guys? I suppose it is more of a hawk-like look.

She: Speak for yourself. I’m not bald and I definitely don’t have a hawk-look going. Chipmunk maybe, but not a hawk. Plus I was happy to finally have a photo with my eyes open, despite the wrinkles on my neck and what looks like the beginning of a goiter.

Z: You look OK, but look at my forehead.

She: It’s perfect. They can put advertising on your forehead and my neck. It would be very nice placement for Santa Barbara Middle School or Village Properties.

Z: I wonder how much I could get for a Village Properties ad across my forehead?

She: That’s a lot of real estate. They couldn’t even fit the whole thing in our picture.

Z: So, given our millions and millions of readers all across Santa Barbara, I’m guessing at least a million bucks. Location, location, location.

She: Yes, dear.

— Share your photo suggestions with She and Z by e-mailing .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).

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