Thursday, April 26 , 2018, 9:58 pm | Fair 56º

 
 
 

She Said, Z Said: Film Festival Questions Full of Whack

Everyone's a screenwriter when there's an open mic

She: It’s taken me about a zillion years to come around, but I can officially say that the Santa Barbara International Film Festival rocks!

Z: It was pretty fun this year.

She: Are you kidding? Fun does not begin to describe how fabulous it was for me to be within smoldering distance of Colin Firth.

Z: Colin Firth, the gay guy from A Single Man?

She: Well yeah, but also Colin Firth, Mr. Darcy in Pride and Prejudice; Colin Firth, Mr. Darcy in Bridget Jones’ Diary; Colin Firth, Mr. Darcy in the other Bridget Jones’ Diary; and Colin Firth, Mr. Darcy in the other Pride and Prejudice.

Z: Somehow, he’s not sounding less gay.

She: Did I mention that Mr. Darcy is my favorite character ever and that Colin Firth is Mr. Darcy?

Z: You might have mentioned it.

She: Other than the clips of Colin Firth with riding crops, I think my favorite movie in the festival was a toss up between a short called Table 7 and the bingo scene from Inglourious Basterds.

Z: Scene?

She: I haven’t actually seen the movie yet, but having seen that one scene during the Vanguard Award Tribute, I’m definitely moving it to the top of my Netflix queue.

Z: I think my favorite thing was the panels. Everyone in the Vanguard Award Tribute was much more interesting than I expected. Apparently, not all actors are bumbling idiots.

She: Unlike all the audiences.

Z: The audience questions are the worst. They make me crazy.

She: I don’t know. I kind of liked the six-hour long story about that one lady’s Aunt Frieda and her farting dog and why that would make a wonderful screenplay.

Z: My favorite was the seven-hour speech ragging on the film about soccer in Bosnia that didn’t include his personal point of view on global warming.

She: It doesn’t matter if it’s an art history lecture, a political forum or a school board meeting, someone’s going to stand up and try to sell their screenplay idea in the form of a question.

Z: A lot of people don’t even bother to fake the question. They just make a statement or a pitch, and then pretend to forget what their question was.

She: There’s nothing more dangerous than an open microphone.

Z: I don’t understand why we don’t just leave during the Q&A.

She: I know. It’s like I’m glued to my seat every time praying that this will be the one time, in my entire life experience of attending public events, where the questions from the audience will actually have some relevance to the presentation we just saw.

Z: Never. When you take questions from the audience you know it’s going to end badly. Somebody is going to cry, and it’s usually me.

She: This is why I was so stoked when they solicited only written questions from the audience at the Vanguard Tribute.

Z: I’m sure that Roger Durling heard us complain during the first 37 forums and decided to make that change.

She: Exactly.

Z: That’s just the kind of film critic powers we wield.

She: Other than the fact that we’re neither film critics nor have any power, I agree with you completely.

Z: We got the media passes and the free vodka that went with them. I think that makes us film critics.

She: You know the only thing that would have made the festival better?

Z: If Peter Saaaaarsgaaaard had actually answered the request I had written to him, and said his name like a pirate.

She: If only you had an open mic.

Z: Yes, dear.

— Audiences can still share their questions with She and Z by e-mailing .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).

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