Friday, May 25 , 2018, 7:59 pm | A Few Clouds 62º


She Said, Z Said: Suffering a Bout of Bieber Fever

The symptoms of teen idolatry are either serious or delirious

She: I’m not a tweenage girl, but I’ve still got the Bieber Fever. Can we go see the movie tonight?

Z: That sounds great. Give me just one moment to stuff my ears with wolverines and gouge my eyes out with a fork.

She: Koss said the same thing, only it was more like, “You’ve got to be kidding, Mom.”

Z: Our kid has musical standards. They probably include something about music.

She: Justin Bieber was the only act Koss insisted we fast forward through on the Grammys — and that includes Barbra Streisand.

Z: He makes me proud.

She: When Koss went to bed I watched Bieber without him. Just out of curiosity. You know, to see what all the fuss is about.

Z: Prevaricate much?

She: Baby, baby, the boy is adorable.

Z: I assume that’s some sort of a musical joke involving a Bieber song lyric, but ... eww.

She: You’re just like Koss. Neither one of you gets the teen heartthrob thing.

Z: I’m afraid I let my subscription to Tiger Beat lapse. And — not that there’s anything wrong with it — I feel a certain paternal glow that Koss isn’t oohing and ahhing over the Bieb.

She: Teen idols are the best first boyfriends in the world. They’re cute, they’re talented, they’re rich, they have great hair — and best of all, because the relationship is totally fictional, they can never hurt you.

Z: Now that’s safe sex. And again — eww.

She: Mostly he reminds me of my own childhood heartthrobs: a cross between a young David Cassidy and a young Donny Osmond. Dreamy.

Z: Why do they all look like little lesbians? Besides, I always preferred Danny Partridge over David, and Marie over Donny. Both were much funnier.

She: David Cassidy is actually back in the zeitgeist. I Think I Love You, a new book by Allison Pearson, imagines the life of a love struck Cassidy fan.

Z: I read about that, and found the best part of that book in the afterward.

She: You read it?

Z: I read about it. The author, a real-life Cassidy fan, got to interview him. She asked, “David Cassidy, was your favorite color brown?” Cassidy: “Brown? Never. No.” Pearson: “For 18 months I wore nothing but brown because I read in a magazine it was your favorite color.” Cassidy (explodes with laughter): “Allison, it was all made up!”

She: That’s so sad. And brown of all colors. Purple is Justin Bieber’s favorite color.

Z: I think you missed the point. These heartthrobs are totally creations, designed to be unthreatening and adorable. They’re like boy unicorns.

She: I think you don’t get it. How cute was it when Chord Overstreet had “the Justin Bieber Experience” on Glee last week? How can you resist that?

Z: Wolverines and forks.

She: I thought about becoming a super fan. Even visited the Bieber Fever Web site. But it’s $8.99 a month and that just seemed wrong.

Z: Yeah. It was the price that made it sick and wrong.

She: Too bad Koss has that cowlick. Otherwise he could be the next Justin Bieber. Can you imagine, our baby on the cover of Lisa Simpson’s “Nonthreatening Boys Magazine”?

Z: Yes, our child a pop-star. What could possibly go wrong? Aside from being a child actor, I could imagine nothing healthier.

She: I think you’re jealous.

Z: I can honestly say that of all my unrealistic fantasy lives, being a teen pop star has never, ever been one of them.

She: When it comes to Justin Bieber, I’ve learned that you should never say never.

Z: Yes dear.

— Share your Bieber fever with .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).

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