Tuesday, May 22 , 2018, 5:21 am | Fair 53º


She Said, Z Said: Cashing In on S**t His Dad Says

Hey, if a 29-year-old can get some sweet treats for his tweets, why can't we?

She: Did you hear the one about the guy who sold his tweets to television?

Z: Enlighten me.

She: Justin Halpern has a Twitter feed called S**t My Dad Says. He sold it to CBS as a sitcom pilot, and William Shatner has been cast to star in it.

Z: Of course. This is how you become a successful writer in Hollywood. A Twitter feed? Kill me now.

She: Don’t be so quick to judge. Go read it. It’s actually quite funny.

Z: I just read it. You’re right. That’s hilarious. Here’s one of my favorites: “You worry too much. Eat some bacon ... What? No, I got no idea if it’ll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.”

She: Justin moved back home as a 29 year old, and then started tweeting the filthy but funny comments of his 73-year-old dad. He got like a zillion followers — including me — because his dad’s one-liners are just so ridiculously funny.

Z: It’s so not fair.

She: It’s the Horatio Alger story of our time.

Z: If Horatio Alger was a loser who moved home with his parents and sold his tweets to CBS.

She: And if Horatio’s dad was an unbelievable wellspring of material. Like, “A parent’s only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed.”

Z: My dad never said anything like that to me.

She: This guy kills me. And not to take anything away from my dad’s sense of humor, but I’m afraid this is out of his league.

Z: The kid got a book and TV deal out of his dad’s whack-job musings and off-hand comments. What has your dad ever given you?

She: A few good bad-driver columns, but not much more than that.

Z: It kind of feels like cheating to me. The kid doesn’t have to write any of his own material. All he has to do is listen to his dad say things like, “You’re being f***ing dramatic. You own a TV and an air mattress. That’s not exactly what I’d call ‘a lot to lose.’”

She: You mean it’s cheating in the same way that we’re using this guy’s dad to make our column funnier?

Z: Exactly. When are we ever going to come up with a line like, “(watching the Little League World Series) These kids are all fat. I remember when you were in Little League ... You were fat.”

She: I think you underestimate yourself.

Z: Well, my mom is certainly not going to start spouting off like that.

She: I’m not talking about her. I’m talking about you.

Z: Me? I can only dream.

She: You’re getting crankier and crankier. I expect you to start wearing sweat pants any day now.

Z: You’re just saying that.

She: No. I really believe that one day, you may be just as brutally blunt and mean to Koss as this man is to his son. You’re already skirting on the edge of Archie Bunker under your breath.

Z: I don’t know. I don’t even cuss in front of Koss.

She: I’m sure that will change as soon as he starts driving.

Z: Well, Koss can only hope that one day, I’ll say things like, “Son, no one gives a s*** about all the things your cell phone does. You didn’t invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that.”

She: This is what our child has to look forward to. Writing down your old-man comments in hopes of getting a sitcom deal.

Z: It’s better than getting a real job.

She: Yes, dear.

— Share the s**t your dad says by e-mailing .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).

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