Saturday, June 23 , 2018, 9:12 pm | Overcast 64º


She Said, Z Said: Sweet 16 ... and the Smell of Sweaty Socks

A milestone anniversary that officially breaks with a tradition of nongifts

Z: I’m here to announce a major milestone for the Klobobergs.

She: Did we get our 1 millionth customer?

Z: Uh ... no. And I don’t know what that means.

She: Did we go platinum?

Z: No. Stop guessing.

She: Did our car hit 100,000 miles?

Z: We just had our 16th anniversary — the first anniversary that has no traditional gift associated with it. After 15, the gifts go by increments of five.

She: Ouch. That is a milestone. And here I thought the 16th anniversary traditional gift was sweaty socks, since we spent our anniversary at Koss’ basketball playoffs, and my friend, Laura, said she spent her 16th anniversary at her son’s baseball game, and my friend, Andi, said she spent her 16th anniversary at her daughter’s volleyball tournament.

Z: Wow. Are our friends pathetic or just parents?

She: One and the same. Does this mean that when I don’t get an anniversary gift again this year, the gift I’m not getting will have no numerical significance?

Z: Hey, I like our anniversary tradition of buying something paper or bronze or crystal or china together, and not getting each other gifts otherwise. I thought you did, too.

She: Not really. I’ve been faking it. Happy anniversary.

Z: Cool. Even after 16 years, I’m still learning new things about you.

She: Which you’ll forget as soon as I leave the room. Fortunately, for more than 16 years I’ve observed that you forget the vast majority of things I tell you. At least I can take comfort in the fact that it’s not old age or Alzheimer’s, just spaciness.

Z: Sorry, you lost me for a minute. What were you saying?

She: Sigh. What did you get me for our anniversary?

Z: Well, if you really want a special anniversary gift, I did find one list that had a gift for every single anniversary up to the 100th.

She: What’s the gift for the 100th? And who are those people?

Z: I don’t know who they are.

She: Are they turtles?

Z: Stop asking.

She: Vampires?

Z: The modern 100th anniversary gift is a 10K diamond.

She: Oh, man, now we have to stay married for another 84 years so I can get a good gift.

Z: And now I’m going to have to poison you shortly after our 99th anniversary. That’s a regular “Gift of the Magi” story.

She: Warms the heart. And what is the “nontraditional” 16th anniversary gift?

Z: Silver hollowware.

She: Which is hollow silverware? Made of silver?

Z: I think ...

She: Or is it Halloween ware? That seems very specialized.

Z: Stop already. I looked it up. “Hollowware is the opposite of flatware. Flatware is dishes that lay flat, like a flat plate. Hollowware is a dish or item that is not flat, like a bowl.”

She: Ah, like a bowl for Halloween candy. Why do people want silver dishes for Halloween? Wouldn’t you think orange would be more appropriate? Or black?

Z: I have no idea. You’re the one who wants a 16th anniversary gift.

She: The last thing I need is another silver bowl.

Z: But you can always use some more dirty socks.

She: There seems to be no shortage of those around here. At least he mostly puts them in the hamper now.

Z: Yet another major milestone for the Klobobergs. Happy anniversary.

She: Yes, dear.

— After wishing them a Happy Anniversary, share your anniversary celebration suggestions with She and Z at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).

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