Pixel Tracker

Sunday, January 20 , 2019, 5:27 am | Fair 46º


She Said, Z Said: Just a Little Off the Top

You don't know what living on the edge is until you attend your first bris — as an observer

Z: As far as circumcision parties go, that was the best one I’ve ever been to.

She: It’s the only bris we’ve ever been to.

Z: When you said we were going to a party for your first cousin, once removed, I didn’t know that that’s what would be removed.

She: Laugh it up, Gentile Boy.

Z: If I had any complaints, it’s that I was hoping for more comedy. If ever there was an event that’s ripe for jokes, it’s a bris.

She: The mohel even commented on that. He said it’s a unique, special celebration ... that’s also ripe for many jokes.

Z: As a mohel and a urologist, he better have a sense of humor. I wish I could have been in that meeting with his career counselor.

She: It takes a matzo, matzo man to be a mohel.

Z: And I’m the bad guy here?

She: I have to admit, I was a little apprehensive about the ceremony. But I was pleasantly surprised it wasn’t nearly as painful as I thought it would be.

Z: You weren’t the 8-day-old baby. Every man in the room cringed and crossed his legs when we heard those first little squeals.

She: Which the baby got over very quickly, unlike you big babies. Uncle Henry put his sommelier skills to good use, and opened a good bottle of wine for my baby cousin.

Z: He could have shared. And that’s first cousin, once removed. Although, wouldn’t he be twice removed now?

She: Go ahead. Get them all out.

Z: I never knew that the bris always had to happen when the baby turned 8 days old. I’m going to start a new business, selling fake IDs to babies who say they’re 12 days old. Gold mine.

She: Cute.

Z: I went up after the ceremony and asked the baby if it hurt. He said, “Did it hurt? Heck, yeah. The doctor said I won’t even be able to walk for another year!”

She: He ...

Z: I talked to the mohel afterward. He said he was retiring. Said he just can’t cut it anymore.

She: ... did ...

Z: He worked hard. I sure hope he got a big tip.

She: ... not. All those jokes sound stolen. And it was a lovely party.

Z: Sure. But now I’m thinking I want a party for all my procedures. Next time I’m having something removed, I want an officiant, deli and presents. It seems like the civilized thing to do.

She: On second thought, I don’t know why anyone thought it was a good idea to invite you to a bris.

Z: We almost didn’t even make it. I’m still not sure why I ever trust you with directions. Especially once I heard that we were going to a place called Hidden Hills. That should have been my first clue.

She: I ... I’m not even going to defend my sense of direction, other than to blame my parents.

Z: Is this some other secret Jewish-lite ceremony, where you have your sense of direction removed?

She: Let’s just say that it wouldn’t be a family trip if there wasn’t at least one fight over being lost.

Z: I’m not sure which was more scarring to our child; going to a circumcision or the getting-lost fight.

She: He completely ignored both of them. Fortunately for him and the parents of his 4-year-old second cousin, he was perfectly happy to play truck with the kid, and happily tune out the bris.

Z: He ignored two things that made him uncomfortable? In one day? That’s my boy. That’s almost as good as making jokes about them.

She: Yes, dear.

— Share your bris briefs with She and Z by emailing .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). And follow them on Twitter: @lesliedinaberg. Click here for previous She Said, Z Said columns.

Support Noozhawk Today

You are an important ally in our mission to deliver clear, objective, high-quality professional news reporting for Santa Barbara, Goleta and the rest of Santa Barbara County. Join the Hawks Club today to help keep Noozhawk soaring.

We offer four membership levels: $5 a month, $10 a month, $25 a month or $1 a week. Payments can be made using a credit card, Apple Pay or Google Pay, or click here for information on recurring credit-card payments and a mailing address for checks.

Thank you for your vital support.

Become a Noozhawk Supporter

First name
Last name
Select your monthly membership
Or choose an annual membership

Payment Information

Membership Subscription

You are enrolling in . Thank you for joining the Hawks Club.

Payment Method

Pay by Credit Card:

Mastercard, Visa, American Express, Discover
One click only, please!

Pay with Apple Pay or Google Pay:

Noozhawk partners with Stripe to provide secure invoicing and payments processing.
You may cancel your membership at any time by sending an email to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).

  • Ask
  • Vote
  • Investigate
  • Answer

Noozhawk Asks: What’s Your Question?

Welcome to Noozhawk Asks, a new feature in which you ask the questions, you help decide what Noozhawk investigates, and you work with us to find the answers.

Here’s how it works: You share your questions with us in the nearby box. In some cases, we may work with you to find the answers. In others, we may ask you to vote on your top choices to help us narrow the scope. And we’ll be regularly asking you for your feedback on a specific issue or topic.

We also expect to work together with the reader who asked the winning questions to find the answer together. Noozhawk’s objective is to come at questions from a place of curiosity and openness, and we believe a transparent collaboration is the key to achieve it.

The results of our investigation will be published here in this Noozhawk Asks section. Once or twice a month, we plan to do a review of what was asked and answered.

Thanks for asking!

Click Here to Get Started >

Reader Comments

Noozhawk is no longer accepting reader comments on our articles. Click here for the announcement. Readers are instead invited to submit letters to the editor by emailing them to [email protected]. Please provide your full name and community, as well as contact information for verification purposes only.