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Tuesday, January 22 , 2019, 7:44 pm | Fair 50º


She Said, Z Said: Modern Sex-Ed Videos Go Heavy on Sweaty Scenes

The air of mystery seems to have the faint aroma of bad body odor

She: I watched the fifth-grade sex-ed video last week.

Z: Did you learn anything new?

She: Unfortunately not. It was surprisingly tame.

Z: Did you watch it with the kids?

She: No, I went to preview the video before the kids saw it. Ten other moms and I sat in a room and giggled for a half-hour. The kids probably behaved better than we did.

Z: That’s a shock.

She: First of all, Koss’ teacher (who is a cute young guy) kept checking in on us. And then the teacher in the movie was named Mr. Becker. Seriously? Becker for the sex-ed teacher’s name? Sounds like something a bunch of eighth-graders would think of. Or a bunch of giggly 40-year-old moms.

Z: Again — did you learn anything new? I’m looking to update my repertoire.

She: Apparently, puberty is filled with armpits, sweat and pimples. It’s not as fun as it sounds.

Z: Where was the sex part of the sex ed?

She: It was almost subliminal. They flashed a diagram for five seconds of a badly drawn naked man.

Z: Yum.

She: They gave a very basic anatomy lesson, just slightly above the level of the one I gave Koss when he was potty training, and then spent the rest of the video talking about the importance of wearing deodorant.

Z: That explains Koss’ sudden interest in Right Guard.

She: I don’t remember much about my first sex-ed video, but I do recall it having had some actual sex ed in it.

Z: I remember my elementary school sex-ed video. There was a whole lot of animal husbandry going on.

She: I remember that, too. No farm animals anymore. I’m guessing it’s not all that familiar or comforting to our oddly sheltered city kids.

Z: It sure didn’t work for me. I fainted.

She: No.

Z: They showed a calf being born. There was a lot of blood. Things are a little fuzzy after that.

She: Is this before or after you fainted looking up at the statue of the giant naked man in the science museum?

Z: I hadn’t had lunch yet. It was hot and stuffy in that museum. Leave me alone.

She: Don’t worry. I’ll have “the talk” with Koss. I wouldn’t want you to faint in the middle of some important part.

Z: As long as I don’t have to tell him about birthing cows, I’m fine.

She: I don’t want to take the risk of traumatizing him by watching you faint during a basic anatomy lesson.

Z: Humans I can handle. It’s just the animals that freak me out. Animals are very naked.

She: There were definitely no animals in the video he saw. I don’t think seeing a pig putting on deodorant would have been all that effective anyhow.

Z: What’s up with all the personal hygiene stuff?

She: I think it’s self-defense on the part of the teachers. Thirty stinky kids makes for an unpleasant learning environment.

Z: I think it’s begging for a toxic chemical cloud of Axe and Old Spice.

She: Even though the movie was very tame, I do think it made an impression on a lot of the kids.

Z: That zits are a bummer?

She: I think there might be a lot less eye contact with the opposite sex, at least for a while.

Z: Even when their pits smell soapy fresh?

She: Well, I happened to be at the poetry assembly the afternoon after they saw the sex-ed movie and I’ve never seen a group of kids so focused on looking at their feet.

Z: And after all this preparation by you and the other moms — after all this buildup — how did Koss like the video?

She: Eh. He could take it or leave it. I kind of think he was hoping to see a chicken apply some Clearasil.

Z: Yes, dear.

— Have you seen “the movie?” Share your thoughts with She and Z by e-mailing .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).

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