Saturday, July 22 , 2017, 3:01 am | Fair 63º

 
 
 

She Said, Z Said: It Turns Out John Cusack Isn’t The Sure Thing After All

Cancellation spurs questions as if from a boom box: Does he love me? Does God exist? Who invented liquid soap, and why? Please, say anything

She: Monday night is volleyball.

Z: OK.

She: Tuesday is dinner with your mom.

Z: Sure.

She: And Wednesday is my date with destiny.

Z: I don’t have that on my calendar. Are you using the Mayan calendar?

She: John Cusack is coming to speak at Campbell Hall, for UCSB Arts & Lectures.

Z: Oh. I should tell you ...

She: I can’t believe you’ve forgotten about our deal.

Z: I have some news ...

She: We still have our deal, right?

Z: I have no idea what you’re talking about so maybe you better remind me.

She: Long, long ago, when we were living in a romantic relationship universe that involved late night pillow talk rather than you snoring along with Stephen Colbert every night, we each made a list of five celebrities that we were allowed to sleep with — with no negative consequences — if we had the opportunity.

Z: Oh, that list. Nobody really means it. It’s not a binding agreement. Unless, of course, Elizabeth Hurley is coming for dinner.

She: I checked, and it turns out that it is a binding agreement. Don’t you remember my list?

Z: I don’t even remember my list. I just had to Google Hugh Grant’s girlfriend to track down Elizabeth Hurley’s name.

She: Mine was one, John Cusack, two, John Cusack, three, John Cusack, four, John Cusack and five, David Letterman.

Z: David Letterman?

She: It was a long time ago, before Colbert. But don’t fixate on that. Cusack is the one who is finally coming to town.

Z: I thought you couldn’t get an interview. And ...

She: I couldn’t. I have to sit in the audience with everyone else, but I know once John and I make eye contact that will be it.

Z: Oh, really?

She: Peter Gabriel will probably come out of the rafters and start singing.

Z: That’s usually what happens at Campbell Hall.

She: You can’t fight destiny. Sorry, honey. It was nice knowing you.

Z: Maybe you can visit ol’ what’s-her-name Hurley and me for Thanksgiving.

She: His offbeat, gangly good looks, his obvious but not obnoxious intelligence, his quirky sense of humor. ... John Cusack and I were clearly made for each other.

Z: Gee, if only you knew a tall, gangly guy with a quirky sense of humor in real life.

She: I liked him in Class, Sixteen Candles, The Sure Thing, Better Off Dead, even Tapeheads. But I didn’t really have a full on crush on John Cusack till Say Anything. The boom box, Peter Gabriel singing “In Your Eyes.” John’s giant trench coat blowing in the wind. There’s no way I could resist that. Ever. Do you think he’ll wear a trench coat at UCSB? Did Edgar Allen Poe wear a trench coat?

Z: No. But he listened to a lot of Peter Gabriel. I should tell you ...

She: I loved his record store owner in High Fidelity. I have always been a sucker for a guy who can make the perfect mix tape. He even made playing the Woody Allen doppelganger sexy in Bullets Over Broadway and that’s not easy to do.

Z: Do you realize that all of your favorite John Cusack films have great writers? Cameron Crowe, Nick Hornby and Woody Allen. Clearly it’s the writing you have a crush on, not the movie star.

She: You’re forgetting that John Cusack actually wrote War Inc. and Grosse Point Blank, two very funny movies. He is a writer and there’s something about him that’s just so, so ...

Z: Cusackalicous?

She: I don’t know how to describe it. But just about every woman I know has a crush on him, and yet there’s something about him that seems approachable. Like if I could just get in a room with him I know we would click.

Z: Then you’re not going to like what I’ve been trying to tell you at all.

She: What?

Z: He had to cancel. A movie shoot got in the way.

She: Nooooo! This is your fault, isn’t it? You sabotaged his movie so that he wouldn’t come here and sweep me off my feet.

Z: Yes, dear.

— Tell She and Z what you think by emailing .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). Read She Said, Z Said every Monday on Noozhawk and follow them on Twitter: @lesliedinaberg. Click here for previous She Said, Z Said columns.

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