Pixel Tracker

Saturday, November 17 , 2018, 11:18 pm | Fog/Mist 53º

 
 
 

She Said, Z Said: Time Travel Advice, for Your Own Good

To your own, younger self be true, but don’t let the Apple fall too far from the tree

She: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice, what would it be?

Z: Buy Apple stock.

She: No, that’s cheating. Nothing about how to make money the easy way, or what the winning lottery numbers are. This is a serious existential question that says a lot about your character.

Z: And you want me to share that in print?

She: You should want to tell your young self something about how to have a richer, fuller life or how to be a better person.

Z: OK, here’s what I’d say: you’ll be a better person if you buy Apple stock.

She: No! What about giving your younger self some romantic advice?

Z: Fall in love with a girl who buys Apple stock.

She: You’re not playing fair!

Z: OK, fine. It would probably be something in the romance world, but without the romance, more along the lines of how to be a player.

She: First off, eww. Second, yeah, right. Where would you get this great “player” knowledge to share with your younger self?

Z: I know more stuff now. I’ve got knowledge. I could share that with my younger self so I wouldn’t be such a prude in high school.

She: And why do you think your younger self would want to hear that? I’m guessing he was a nice, respectful young man. What would you tell him to make him into your dirty old self?

Z: I don’t know. What did I say to you?

She: Have another shot of vodka.

Z: Pure gold.

She: Also, that you went to Harvard. I’m guessing that won’t work for your high school friend.

Z: Fine. Then I’ll tell him he should buy some Apple stock. Girls love a guy with Apple stock.

She: Excellent work. Player.

Z: What about you? What great advice would you give to your younger self?

She: The reason I asked you this question in the first place was that Oprah Magazine did a story and asked all of these successful, famous people what they wish they could tell their younger selves.

Z: I’m guessing Mitt Romney might warn his younger self to avoid giving haircuts.

She: Most of the women said things like, “be more confident,” or “believe in yourself.” I am pretty true to my gender. I think I would tell my younger self to wear a bikini while you still can.

Z: Can I steal that? My younger self needs to hear that.

She: The men, however, mostly told their younger selves to be less cocky, more considerate of other people. Quite the opposite of you, as a matter of fact.

Z: What a bunch of morons. That cocky, less considerate thing is probably what made them successful in the first place. They’re destroying their futures. When they return to their own time, the world will be ruled by apes.

She: That’s really not how this game works.

Z: Honestly, I’m more concerned with my younger self showing up and giving me advice now.

She: What kind of advice?

Z: You should use a jet-pack more, or you should see a dentist sometime, or you should be making a lot more money, or why aren’t you more of a player?

She: Wise boy. But once he’s here, I still want to know what great advice you’d want to give to him. Seriously.

Z: If your wife ever wants to play a game where you have to go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice, don’t do it. It’s a trap!

She: Yes, dear.

— Share your past with She and Z by emailing .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). Read She Said, Z Said every Monday on Noozhawk and follow them on Twitter: @lesliedinaberg. Click here for previous She Said, Z Said columns.

Support Noozhawk Today

You are an important ally in our mission to deliver clear, objective, high-quality professional news reporting for Santa Barbara, Goleta and the rest of Santa Barbara County. Join the Hawks Club today to help keep Noozhawk soaring.

We offer four membership levels: $5 a month, $10 a month, $25 a month or $1 a week. Payments can be made using a credit card, Apple Pay or Google Pay, or click here for information on recurring credit-card payments and a mailing address for checks.

Thank you for your vital support.

Become a Noozhawk Supporter

First name
Last name
Email
Select your monthly membership
Or choose an annual membership
×

Payment Information

Membership Subscription

You are enrolling in . Thank you for joining the Hawks Club.

Payment Method

Pay by Credit Card:

Mastercard, Visa, American Express, Discover
One click only, please!

Pay with Apple Pay or Google Pay:

Noozhawk partners with Stripe to provide secure invoicing and payments processing.
You may cancel your membership at any time by sending an email to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).

  • Ask
  • Vote
  • Investigate
  • Answer

Noozhawk Asks: What’s Your Question?

Welcome to Noozhawk Asks, a new feature in which you ask the questions, you help decide what Noozhawk investigates, and you work with us to find the answers.

Here’s how it works: You share your questions with us in the nearby box. In some cases, we may work with you to find the answers. In others, we may ask you to vote on your top choices to help us narrow the scope. And we’ll be regularly asking you for your feedback on a specific issue or topic.

We also expect to work together with the reader who asked the winning questions to find the answer together. Noozhawk’s objective is to come at questions from a place of curiosity and openness, and we believe a transparent collaboration is the key to achieve it.

The results of our investigation will be published here in this Noozhawk Asks section. Once or twice a month, we plan to do a review of what was asked and answered.

Thanks for asking!

Click Here to Get Started >

Reader Comments

Noozhawk is no longer accepting reader comments on our articles. Click here for the announcement. Readers are instead invited to submit letters to the editor by emailing them to [email protected]. Please provide your full name and community, as well as contact information for verification purposes only.