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Saturday, November 17 , 2018, 11:18 pm | Fog/Mist 53º


She Said, Z Said: Time Travel Advice, for Your Own Good

To your own, younger self be true, but don’t let the Apple fall too far from the tree

She: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice, what would it be?

Z: Buy Apple stock.

She: No, that’s cheating. Nothing about how to make money the easy way, or what the winning lottery numbers are. This is a serious existential question that says a lot about your character.

Z: And you want me to share that in print?

She: You should want to tell your young self something about how to have a richer, fuller life or how to be a better person.

Z: OK, here’s what I’d say: you’ll be a better person if you buy Apple stock.

She: No! What about giving your younger self some romantic advice?

Z: Fall in love with a girl who buys Apple stock.

She: You’re not playing fair!

Z: OK, fine. It would probably be something in the romance world, but without the romance, more along the lines of how to be a player.

She: First off, eww. Second, yeah, right. Where would you get this great “player” knowledge to share with your younger self?

Z: I know more stuff now. I’ve got knowledge. I could share that with my younger self so I wouldn’t be such a prude in high school.

She: And why do you think your younger self would want to hear that? I’m guessing he was a nice, respectful young man. What would you tell him to make him into your dirty old self?

Z: I don’t know. What did I say to you?

She: Have another shot of vodka.

Z: Pure gold.

She: Also, that you went to Harvard. I’m guessing that won’t work for your high school friend.

Z: Fine. Then I’ll tell him he should buy some Apple stock. Girls love a guy with Apple stock.

She: Excellent work. Player.

Z: What about you? What great advice would you give to your younger self?

She: The reason I asked you this question in the first place was that Oprah Magazine did a story and asked all of these successful, famous people what they wish they could tell their younger selves.

Z: I’m guessing Mitt Romney might warn his younger self to avoid giving haircuts.

She: Most of the women said things like, “be more confident,” or “believe in yourself.” I am pretty true to my gender. I think I would tell my younger self to wear a bikini while you still can.

Z: Can I steal that? My younger self needs to hear that.

She: The men, however, mostly told their younger selves to be less cocky, more considerate of other people. Quite the opposite of you, as a matter of fact.

Z: What a bunch of morons. That cocky, less considerate thing is probably what made them successful in the first place. They’re destroying their futures. When they return to their own time, the world will be ruled by apes.

She: That’s really not how this game works.

Z: Honestly, I’m more concerned with my younger self showing up and giving me advice now.

She: What kind of advice?

Z: You should use a jet-pack more, or you should see a dentist sometime, or you should be making a lot more money, or why aren’t you more of a player?

She: Wise boy. But once he’s here, I still want to know what great advice you’d want to give to him. Seriously.

Z: If your wife ever wants to play a game where you have to go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice, don’t do it. It’s a trap!

She: Yes, dear.

— Share your past with She and Z by emailing .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). Read She Said, Z Said every Monday on Noozhawk and follow them on Twitter: @lesliedinaberg. Click here for previous She Said, Z Said columns.

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