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Sunday, December 9 , 2018, 9:40 pm | Fair 52º


She Said, Z Said: Comic Book Adventure a Blast From Our Pasts

Who knew Archie would end up with Veronica 68 years later?

She: Poor Betty. I can’t believe after all of these years of putting up with Archie’s idiotic waffling he finally picked Veronica.

Z: I’m sorry. Did we suddenly enter a time warp and we’re back in fifth grade? Because, I’m OK with that if we have. I was at the top of my game in fifth grade.

She: It feels a little bit like that. I haven’t been interested in comic books in decades.

Z: That’s because you don’t understand them like I do. Like a man who peaked in fifth grade.

She: But now that I’ve heard that Archie’s going to propose to Veronica, I can’t wait for the next issue.

Z: Propose? Veronica? Seriously?

She: Seriously. At least I think so. He’s been vacillating between those two poor girls for 68 years, so you never know if he’ll really go through with it.

Z: I don’t know. I hear Viagra can make a man do crazy things.

She: I don’t think proposing marriage is one of them.

Z: How old is Archie now?

She: In real years or comic book years?

Z: As a man who’s still in comic book fifth grade, I vote for comic book years.

She: According to the Archie Comics Blog, he’ll be five years out of high school and a college graduate when he proposes — but 84 in real time.

Z: Way too young. You know they’ll be divorced by the time he’s 137.

She: Poor Betty. I’ll bet she’s so bummed. I can’t imagine why Archie would do that.

Z: I get it. I’m a bit of a Veronica-man myself. She’s the bad, exciting, exotic one. Plus, marrying into money is sound economic planning when you can’t count on the market these days.

She: You’re a Veronica-man?

Z: I married a Veronica. Only, without the money.

She: Thanks, Jughead.

Z: Hot Dog!

She: It must be so humiliating for Betty to have Archie propose to Veronica after all of these years. Think how many times Betty carried his books. Think about all of those cupcakes she baked for him.

Z: Even before they were hip.

She: Cupcakes weren’t cool, and she baked them for him anyway. In fact, if she’d had the foresight to open a cupcake franchise, then maybe she’d be the rich one and Archie would want to marry her.

Z: I’d say she wasted the best years of her life on him. On the plus side, she doesn’t look a day over 23.

She: I wish we could go to Pop Tate’s Chok’lit Shoppe and find out what everyone in town is saying.

Z: You just like saying “Chok’lit Shoppe.”

She: Obviously. 

Z: I’m betting it’s a gimmick to sell comic books, like the assassination of Captain America, or the death of Superman. You read enough comic books you’ll see that whenever a comic book character does something really stupid and winds up getting himself killed or married, it always turns out to be an evil clone or an alternate universe.

She: I hope you’re right.

Z: I am. Betty will win in the end, but it won’t make her happy.

She: Poor Betty.

Z: Assuming he doesn’t pull a “Graduate” and go for Mrs. Lodge, Archie will marry Betty and secretly cat around with Veronica for years, which will break Betty’s heart. “Archie the Gigolo” will be the next in the series.

She: Followed by “Cougar Veronica.”

Z: And eventually “Betty and Midge,” while Archie walks into the sunset with only Jughead for company.

She: I can’t believe I have to wait all summer to find out. The comic doesn’t come out until Sept. 8, my birthday.

Z: I guess I know what to buy you this year. We should be able to afford a comic book by September if I cut down on sodas at lunch.

She: Actually, Archie’s long-delayed passage into adulthood will be a six-part story, so you’re really going to have to economize to buy it for me.

Z: Either that or I could marry Veronica and you could be my mistress. She could set me up in a little pied-à-terre and you would be rolling in comic books.

She: Yes, dear.

— Who do you think Archie should marry? E-mail She and Z at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).

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