Pixel Tracker

Saturday, November 17 , 2018, 8:16 am | Fog/Mist 55º


She Said, Z Said: Manly Manly Man

It takes a real man to man up and remain safe and pleasantly dry

Z: I am not the manliest of manly men.

She: OK.

Z: You seem surprised. Shocked, even.

She: Yeah.

Z: And yet, I’m probably the manliest I’ve ever been.

She: This is it? This is peak manliness?

Z: It was Father’s Day this weekend. Not many things more manly than being a father. It’s kind of definitional.

She: The Leather Guy in the Village People has a kid. You’re going to have to raise the manliness bar higher than that.

Z: I have many manly traits. I drink beer. I fart. I shave at least once a week. My jokes are kind of mean.

She: Wow. You’re John Wayne.

Z: I own a power tool. I put oil in my own car. I have a deep, manly voice. I go to the Man Weekend. What could be manlier than a whole weekend named the Man Weekend?

She: Didn’t you chicken out of river rafting this year?

Z: A totally manly decision, if by manly I mean safe and pleasantly dry.

She: If that’s your definition, then you are truly manly.

Z: The guys who did go rafting got dumped into the river 15 minutes into the trip, wrapped the boat around a log, spent two hours trying to free it, and then hiked five miles out in their wetsuits and booties. I did my happy dance on the shore.

She: Very manly.

Z: And pleasantly dry. The rest of the weekend was super manly. We ate pit meat, drank beer and built a deck.

She: Besides the beer, was any of this manliness your idea?

Z: No. But I manned up for it.

She: Does the fact that you don’t watch sports, you love Broadway musicals and you watch Glee religiously subtract from your manliness at all?

Z: I defer to my original thesis, which is that I’m not the manliest of manly men. I’m OK with that.

She: Which is kind of manly.

Z: Besides, I now have a son who is oddly manly. Boyly?

She: That’s not a word, nor should it be.

Z: Pre-manly. He watches sports, and enjoys them. If no major sports are on, he’ll even be happy to find a lacrosse game or a rerun of a college soccer game.

She: I think he gets that from my dad, ‘cause it’s certainly not from either one of us.

Z: So I get some manly points for having a pre-manly son.

She: I don’t think the transference works in that direction.

Z: But really, I’m at peak manliness right now solely in comparison to how I used to be.

She: Thinking about it, you do seem much less flamboyant than when we first met.

Z: And I was already on the manly climb up the slope to manliness at that point.

She: Is there something you’ve been meaning to tell me?

Z: Nah. I’ve never found men attractive. I would have made a great gay man except for that one roadblock.

She: You do have that tall, Tommy Tune thing going for you.

Z: Do you want to know how absurdly manly I am now? When I was in college, I performed in a drag show that traveled to Bermuda for spring break. Everyone got sunburned, so I danced around in my Playboy Bunny outfit spraying everyone with Solarcaine and singing, “I’m the Solarcaine fairy!”

She: Sorry I missed that.

Z: My legs look amazing in fishnets.

She: Yes, dear.

— Share your own manly tales with She and Z by e-mailing .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).

Support Noozhawk Today

You are an important ally in our mission to deliver clear, objective, high-quality professional news reporting for Santa Barbara, Goleta and the rest of Santa Barbara County. Join the Hawks Club today to help keep Noozhawk soaring.

We offer four membership levels: $5 a month, $10 a month, $25 a month or $1 a week. Payments can be made using a credit card, Apple Pay or Google Pay, or click here for information on recurring credit-card payments and a mailing address for checks.

Thank you for your vital support.

Become a Noozhawk Supporter

First name
Last name
Select your monthly membership
Or choose an annual membership

Payment Information

Membership Subscription

You are enrolling in . Thank you for joining the Hawks Club.

Payment Method

Pay by Credit Card:

Mastercard, Visa, American Express, Discover
One click only, please!

Pay with Apple Pay or Google Pay:

Noozhawk partners with Stripe to provide secure invoicing and payments processing.
You may cancel your membership at any time by sending an email to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).

  • Ask
  • Vote
  • Investigate
  • Answer

Noozhawk Asks: What’s Your Question?

Welcome to Noozhawk Asks, a new feature in which you ask the questions, you help decide what Noozhawk investigates, and you work with us to find the answers.

Here’s how it works: You share your questions with us in the nearby box. In some cases, we may work with you to find the answers. In others, we may ask you to vote on your top choices to help us narrow the scope. And we’ll be regularly asking you for your feedback on a specific issue or topic.

We also expect to work together with the reader who asked the winning questions to find the answer together. Noozhawk’s objective is to come at questions from a place of curiosity and openness, and we believe a transparent collaboration is the key to achieve it.

The results of our investigation will be published here in this Noozhawk Asks section. Once or twice a month, we plan to do a review of what was asked and answered.

Thanks for asking!

Click Here to Get Started >

Reader Comments

Noozhawk is no longer accepting reader comments on our articles. Click here for the announcement. Readers are instead invited to submit letters to the editor by emailing them to [email protected]. Please provide your full name and community, as well as contact information for verification purposes only.