Monday, February 19 , 2018, 4:12 pm | A Few Clouds 57º


Randi Rabin: Telling a Friend You Saw Her Husband with Another Woman

Dear Feelings Doctor: How do I tell my friend that I saw her husband with another woman? It doesn’t seem like it was the first time — they were very touchy-feely!

— Torn in Ventura

Dear Torn: First of all, a woman usually knows long before anyone else thinks of telling her about it. And when you say friend, being the bearer of bad news is not an enviable position to be in. There are many different ways that couples make their relationships work for them, and having intimate knowledge of another person’s marriage cannot tell you the whole truth.

No one really knows the inner workings and dynamics of your average married couple. So, if I were you, I would invite your friend to lunch and have some laughs, go home, hug your mate and count your blessings.

Dear Feelings Doctor: There is a woman in our social group “always” saying things that are hurtful and unkind to the others. No one is brave enough to say anything to her. Never thinking about others’ feelings, she is a mean person! Please give me some tips to handle this nastiness when it happens again. Thank you.

— Concerned in Carpinteria

Dear Concerned: As adults, sometimes we forget the simple rules from childhood: Always be kind, and if you don’t have anything nice to say, be vague!

Seriously, if this woman is in your social group, and I am assuming that your social group is supposed to be doing fun things, stop inviting her! Next, have this conversation with her that you and I are having now. Begin with, ”This is a bit uncomfortable for me, but I need to share it with you all the same.” Grown-up bullies should be less tolerated than the 12-year-old ones, but in my opinion, neither one should be tolerated. Good luck. You can do it.

Dear Feelings Doctor: I am moving away in a few months, and I am sad and scared to face my friends who have been working with me for the past eight years. I am thinking about leaving without telling anyone. Is that the best thing to do? Please, some advice would be great.

— Lee in Los Angeles

Dear Lee: What a gift you have right in front of you, dear friend — the chance to say and experience a “healthy” goodbye. People do turn and run when things get uncomfortable, but I promise you this will be such a great moment that you can share with everyone involved, including yourself.

Celebrate the friendships that have developed over these past eight years, tell your colleagues what this part of your life has meant to you and celebrate your willingness to experience this profound blessing — real, true emotional gratitude!

Imagine this: Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment.

Got a question for The Feelings Doctor? Click here to submit a question anonymously.

— Psychotherapist Randi Rabin, M.A., MFTI, answers reader questions in her weekly Noozhawk column, The Feelings Doctor, and can be contacted at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). She received her bachelor’s degree in psychology from Antioch University Santa Barbara and completed her master’s degree in psychology at Pacifica Graduate Institute under the guidance of renowned psychologist Stephen Aizenstat, Pacifica’s chancellor and founding president. She has worked as a counselor with a number of local nonprofit organizations and schools. Click here for previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.

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