Monday, April 23 , 2018, 12:32 am | Fog/Mist 56º

 
 
 

She Said, Z Said: So You Wanna Be a Rock Star

Don't judge me: One man's midlife crisis is another man's Plan B

She: Do those mysterious UPS packages that have been showing up on our doorstep all month mean you’ve finally moved on to Plan B?

Z: Plan who?

She: Plan B. You always used to say that if your writing career didn’t work out you wanted to be a rock star. I’m assuming that those microphone stands and speakers and mixers that have started showing up mean you’re working on Plan B.

Z: Plan what?

She: C’mon. Leather pants and a soundboard? How dense do you think I am?

Z: How did you know those were leather pants? They were supposed to come in a plain, brown wrapper.

She: Honey, I know you’re excited about all of your new toys.

Z: Whoo Ha! (While playing a vicious air guitar version of “Bubbly” by Colbie Caillat.)

She: But it’s not like the music industry is any easier to break into than Hollywood.

Z: And you know this because of your vast experience with humming along slightly off-key to the radio?

She: Hey, I used to work security at the Santa Barbara Bowl. I’ve done my time in the music industry.

Z: I forgot about that angry mob you confronted at the Jackson Browne concert.

She: You mock my hard-earned wisdom, but I’m telling you, this music thing will break your heart.

Z: I’m just playing around with some stuff.

She: Are you at all concerned that you don’t play any instruments and don’t have any discernable musical talent?

Z: It will just be all that much more spectacular when I start stealing away Taylor Swift’s audience.

She: This is who you’re going after? As long as you’re fantasizing, why not aspire to compete with U2, or Springsteen?

Z: Because that would be ridiculous. I’m quite sure I’ll be able to fill arenas, but stadiums? Please.

She: Good, level-headed thinking.

Z: You know that becoming a rock star has always been my backup plan. What about you?

She: I was going to get in early on Google stock, but it’s looking more and more like that boat has sailed.

Z: I remember long ago when we were young and in love, you tried to make me marry rich and then kill my wife so that we could run off together.

She: That was Plan C.

Z: Ahh, romance.

She: Unfortunately, most of my backup plans involve having money already. It seems that I’m most interested in doing things that cost money, and least interested in doing things that make money.

Z: That sounds about right.

She: If I could reverse those for just a year, I could probably afford to make all my Plan Bs come true.

Z: A girl’s got to dream.

She: I need a job where someone pays me to go travel the world, see great performances and eat great food, but not really expect anything from me beyond sincere gratitude.

Z: Perfect. You can be a roadie for my first European tour.

She: You’re missing the part where I don’t have to do anything beyond smile.

Z: OK. Fine. You can play the tambourine.

She: Plan D.

Z: Yes, dear.

— Share your musical dreams — and career suggestions — with She and Z by e-mailing .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).

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