Friday, May 25 , 2018, 3:50 am | Fair 54º


She Said, Z Said: Seven Dirty Words

In honor of comedian George Carlin, our columnists create a list of words not to say — to preschoolers.

Z: With George Carlin’s death last week, his routines have been getting tons of play. He was a funny man.

She: My favorite is still the seven words you can’t say on television.

Z: Or write in your newspaper column.

She: We could still rip him off; we’d just have to do a PG-rated version.

Z: So, for instance, we could come up with the seven things you should never do to a recently deceased comedian.

She: Such as, don’t steal their routines?

Z: Nah, that’s no fun. Maybe we could do the seven words broadcasters really shouldn’t be allowed to say on television. Such as “reality.”

She: Or, “a very special episode.”

Z: Or, “apply directly to the forehead.”

She: That would be good, but I’m thinking more like the seven words you can’t say to a preschooler.

Z: I like that, because even though we’re still shamelessly stealing from a comedian, we’re making it cute by adding kids. I vote for “stupid.”

She: That’s a bad one, because it’s all you’ll hear parroted back from your preschooler for the next year or two.

Z: Kind of like “no.”

She: That’s a tricky one, because you want to be able to say no to your preschooler, but you don’t want them to say it back to you.

Z: Over and over and over again.

She: Which makes you want to say “shut up.”

Z: Which is definitely not OK.

She: “Not OK” goes on the list.

Z: That one is the worst. It’s NOT not OK; it’s wrong, bad, you should be punished for doing that and I’m not afraid to say so. No parent should be allowed to say, “It’s not OK” to their child.

She: “Mommy, I killed a man.”

Z: It’s not OK. See what I mean? It lacks certitude.

She: “Duh.”

Z: And that would be No. 5. I remember it was one of my favorite words as a child. I’d say it and smack my chest really hard. Funniest thing ever.

She: I can’t imagine why your comedy career didn’t go as well as George Carlin’s.

Z: You’re a $#**!

She: I don’t think we can put that one on our list. I think it’s already on Carlin’s. Plus, I think Child Services might have an issue with it.

Z: How about, “Vote Republican?”

She: While I agree that should be on the list of things you can’t tell your child, it seems a little intolerant.

Z: Fine.

She: The way Koss has been brainwashed these days, “bottled water” is a bad word.

Z: Although I think he missed the point when he spilled it out in the sink and refilled the container with tap water.

She: And yet we can’t call him stupid or dumb.

Z: I got one. Junior catches you at an inopportune time, and you say, “Mommy and Daddy were just wrestling.”

She: Definitely a mistake. Then he wants to join in the wrestling.

Z: That goes on the list.

She: It’s not really a word. More of a phrase.

Z: Which the judges are allowing, since it makes it look like we’re stealing from Carlin even less.

She: Then I’ve got one more, just to make it eight.

Z: Perfect.

She: “I love your sister more than I love you.”

Z: How is that bad?

She: Yes, dear.

Share your censored words with She and Z by e-mailing [email protected]

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