Sunday, March 18 , 2018, 7:02 pm | A Few Clouds 56º


She Said, Z Said: Olympic Fever

With the Beijing Games in full swing, She and Z provide a little of their own commentary.

Z: Help me, doctor. I’ve got Olympic fever!

She: Me, too. I’m exhausted. I don’t think I can stay up for another medal ceremony tonight.

Z: Think how Michael Phelps feels.

She: Oh, sure. Big man. Has to race for a whole minute and a half, and everyone in the world goes, “Oh, you poor thing, you must be so tired.” Me, I’m staying up past midnight, putting in some marathon TV hours and no one’s giving me million-dollar endorsement deals.

Z: Don’t be bitter. It’s all for the glory of competition. Wasn’t the relay that he and the U.S. team won amazing? And the hundredth-of-a-second butterfly squeaker?

She: There was a race? You mean, all those massive, hunky guys in the skintight suits weren’t just stretching and flexing for me?

Z: The Olympics really aren’t fair as far as eye-candy goes. Most of the cute girl gymnasts are literally girls, which makes me a creepy old man.

She: Especially when the 16-year-old gymnasts in China are really only 12.

Z: What’s up with that?

She: I think it’s the year of the dog, so they’re counting their age in dog years. That 12-year-old is actually the first 84-year-old to ever complete a triple Tsukahara into a Salto on the uneven bars.

Z: I just read online that Phelps won yet another gold medal for the javelin. He is definitely not a quitter.

She: The ones I feel sorry for are the silver medalists. If you get a gold medal, then you’re the winner, and if you get a bronze medal, well, at least you got something. But the silver medal is a constant reminder that of everyone who lost, you were the best loser. You’re the winner of the losers, which would bite — big time.

Z: I think it’s even tougher to be Katie Hoff. Can you imagine getting two fourth-place finishes? A silver would definitely be better than that. Two fourth places. Ouch.

She: Phelps just got another gold for badminton. Nobody smashes a shuttlecock like Phelps. Poor thing must be exhausted.

Z: My favorite part of the Olympics is the chance every four years to use the post-coital “He sticks the dismount!” joke.

She: “And the Polish judge gives him a 10!”

Z: That one’s not funny. And it’s racist. You hate Poland.

She: Is that how you interpret that?

Z: Phelps just sang the Chinese national anthem for the gymnastics medal ceremony. Man, can that guy nail the high notes.

She: I love how you get to use the entire keyboard during the Olympics. Zhu Qinan. Hugues Duboscq. Jiang Yuyuan. He Kexin. You get to use all the big Scrabble letters.

Z: I especially like He Kexin’s name. She’s one of the 9-year-old gymnasts from China, so all the news reports have a hard time with her first name. “A 2006 biography from the local sports bureau where He was registered gave her date of birth as Jan. 1, 1994 …”

She: If I wrote this column with her, then we could call it, “She Said, He Said.”

Z: Now that would be original.

She: Phelps was just spotted doing laps around the rim of the Olympic stadium, like that guy in the opening ceremonies. Without the harness.

Z: Proving once again that he’s better than the Chinese gymnasts.

She: He is amazing. Even with my computer on 24/7 and using the picture-in-picture function on the TV, I can’t possibly watch all 3,300 hours of coverage — but it feels un-American to let any sort of coverage of an Olympic event go unwatched.

Z: Which is why Phelps is picking up the slack for the rest of our country.

She: Huh?

Z: The headphones. When he’s not in the pool, or the sand, or on the track, or beating up Aquaman in Greco/Roman wrestling, he’s coordinating the war on terrorism through his iPod.

She: Yes, dear.

When She and Z aren’t glued to the Olympics, they can be reached at [email protected]

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