Saturday, May 26 , 2018, 3:42 am | Fair 55º


She Said, Z Said: Succeeding at Failing to Set World Record

Just thinking of a way to get into the Guinness Book is harder than it sounds

Z: I can’t believe school is almost starting and once again our child hasn’t set a single Guinness Book world record. I’ve failed him.

She: It’s not your fault. Too many camps.

Z: You would think between rugby camp, circus camp, soccer camp and nature camp, he would have found something to shoot for.

She: What about most ice packs used in one summer?

Z: He did have an awful lot of injuries this year. Do you think he could apply to the Guinness Book for that?

She: Nah. Hyper-extended knees, scratches on the back and rugby foot aren’t exactly Evel Knievel level stuff.

Z: How about the shoulder injury from being at the bottom of the pyramid? That was impressive.

She: Was it a pyramid with 136 people?

Z: No. Wimp.

She: He needs something bigger. Last week a family in Beverly Hills applied for the record for the longest lemonade stand. They want it to take up an entire park.

Z: Apparently they’re still squeezing out some of the details. Get it? Squeezing?

She: You read the article?

Z: Of course. You know my secret ambition has always been to set a Guinness Book world record.

She: Even after we saw the guy with the longest fingernails at the Farmers Market? It was disgusting.

Z: His wife had to feed him his lunch. He’s either seriously committed to his nails, or it’s a very clever ruse to get his wife to feed him.

She: Yuck!

Z: There’s a guy in West Virginia attempting to get in by building the world’s tallest LEGO tower.

She: Seems like after Legoland you might be able to get Koss interested in that.

Z: He was. But it’s way too hard to get the building permit for it in Santa Barbara, even after we told them that it would be good for the environment.

She: I don’t think using only green LEGOs makes it a green building.

Z: In my childhood summers, we had nothing to do but try to set world records, because it was either that or do yard work. I got up to 483 consecutive bounces on my pogo stick one time.

She: I knew I married well.

Z: My sister stayed on her stilts for at least 15 minutes, and I could juggle for at least 20 minutes.

She: I can’t believe you guys never got in.

Z: Meanwhile, our kid has camp and swim team every day. He’s just too tired to be properly motivated.

She: Don’t forget about DirecTV and Starcraft II. I think those are the real culprits.

Z: And I don’t think he could possibly set any records playing Starcraft II. Those people are seriously committed.

She: Besides, Guinness is kind of old school.

Z: Old school? No way. Ten thousand Chinese students just got in by forming a human domino chain. This is cutting-edge stuff.

She: You guys should have gotten in on Matt McAllister’s most T-shirts worn at one time record when he was in Santa Barbara.

Z: Something I’ll always regret.

She: You’ll have to make up something else.

Z: It seems like you don’t take this seriously.

She: Of course I do. I love that you can make up something and decide that’s a world record. I’m going the use the word ‘furble’ five times in a row. Furble furble furble furble furble. There. I set the record for writing the word furble the most times in a row.

Z: Please. That’s not how it works. There are rules.

She: Rules rules rules rules rules.

Z: We used to try to make up new records categories, but they mostly tended to the scatological. Most farts in an hour, most …

She: I get it, I get it. Again, I married well.

Z: Yes, but how many times? There’s a couple in the Guinness Book who have renewed their vows 83 times. If we get started today I think we can beat that.

She: Yes, dear.

Z: You’re supposed to say, “I do.”

She: Yes, dear.

— Share your feats of wonder with She and Z by e-mailing .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).

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