Saturday, March 17 , 2018, 4:06 pm | A Few Clouds 58º


She Said, Z Said: Young Love

It's never too early to learn about surviving that first crush

Z: I have a new name for Koss.

She: Susan?

Z: No. Huh?

She: That’s the part he played in his camp skit. Susan the evil minion.

Z: No, not Susan. Kossanova.

She: Smooth.

Z: Without even knowing it.

She: Or wanting it.

Z: It all started innocently enough.

She: And ended in the same place.

Z: We went to a small get-together to see a friend who was out here from New Jersey. He brought his daughter and his stepish daughter.

She: Both about the same age as Koss, and both very cute.

Z: He had no idea. He thought he was having a good time playing with them. For him, it was all running around and good fun.

She: Little did he know.

Z: The next day, one of them called. I’ll call her “Cougar.’’ She is, after all, a whole grade older. She said, “Thanks for the birthday present.” He said, “OK, cool, see ya,” and thought that was it.

She: Oh to be 10 and clueless.

Z: Ten minutes later, the other one called and said, “Cougar likes you. Do you like like her?”

She: The poor kid. He had no idea what to say. He’s woefully unprepared for the whole boy-girl thing.

Z: “Close the deal!” I screamed. “Get the digits, make the date!”

She: You’re a lovely, supportive father. He just turned 10. Give him a break!

Z: Instead, he squirmed and looked uncomfortable for a minute, and said, “No. I like her fine. I don’t know.”

She: Those poor girls had no idea they were dealing with a 10-year-old boy. He has no interest in a girlfriend. He closes his eyes when there’s kissing on TV.

Z: At Transformers 2 he had no problem with massive robot-on-robot violence, but as soon as they started to kiss, he wanted me to take him out of the theater.

She: Unless the girls want to shoot baskets and have burping contests with him. Then he likes to play with girls.

Z: Otherwise, girls as girlfriends are totally off his radar screen. His radar screen wouldn’t even know what that bogey was.

She: I hope you told him how to let the girls down gently.

Z: They don’t call me Mr. Sensitive for nothing.

She: Or ever. The only thing worse than a 10-year-old girl with a broken heart is an 11-year-old girl with a broken heart.

Z: He was a nice boy. Besides, like he said, “New York girls. What are you going to do?”

She: Just keep in mind that we’re setting the stage for his future behavior toward women right now. Someday I want a daughter-in-law who’s smart and funny and interesting and, even more important, will give me lots of grandchildren.

Z: I told him to go ahead and let her buy him Pokémon cards, but that he doesn’t owe her anything.

She: Zak!

Z: I know. A car seems excessive. But should I have said Wii games?

She: Don’t even joke. That’s all we need is him turning into the gigolo of fifth grade.

Z: He’d only be following in his father’s footsteps.

She: Off the cliff of reality. Have you checked the balance on Koss’ therapy bond lately?

Z: Solid. Like all our financial investments.

She: I think my favorite line was when he heard that Jay was coming to town this week. “Oh, no!” he moaned. “He has a daughter, too, doesn’t he?”

Z: I think we’re going to have to work on that boy’s self-esteem.

She: It all comes back to Susan from the camp skit. He has no problem playing with girls, that’s why they get crushes on him. Most of the boys just ignore them.

Z: That and he’s a raging hunk. You know, like father, like son.

She: Yes, dear.

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