Pixel Tracker

Monday, December 17 , 2018, 7:10 am | Overcast 53º


She Said, Z Said: USC? Seriously?

A clearly bogus new ranking that puts USC over UCLA must be talking about the University of South Carolina

Z: Did you hear that USC pulled ahead of UCLA?

She: At what? Most beer chugged? Most spoiled children? I don’t think that one’s new.

Z: No, for ...

She: Was it for most ridiculously expensive? Worst neighborhood? Most corrupt sports program? Again, in what way could they possibly have pulled ahead?

Z: For the first time ever, they were ranked ahead of UCLA in the U.S. News & World Report annual rankings of best colleges.

She: That’s hilarious.

Z: No, really.

She: Is this like the time you told me that you were secretly a prince?

Z: No ...

She: Or are you just confused, like how when Koss saw that little fat roll above your bathing suit, and he said, “Nice mutton-top, Dad,” instead of muffin-top?

Z: Fine. Read it yourself. USC is now ranked 23rd, and UCLA is ranked 25th.

She: ...

Z: Speechless?

She: I think this must be a prank. College kids are doing those kinds of things all the time. It must be a prank.

Z: I’m afraid not.

She: How is this possible? USC was never a real school. It’s where you went if you had too much money and not enough grades. It was a safety school for rich kids.

Z: Things change. Apparently, it’s a good school now. And UCLA isn’t even that much cheaper anymore.

She: I feel like I’m in The Twilight Zone. Next thing you’ll tell me is that Dos Pueblos High School is ranked higher than San Marcos High School. Wouldn’t that be weird?

Z: Last year, Dos Pueblos’ Academic Performance Index (API) was 799 and San Marcos’ was 759.

She: Cow-pie High? When did we move to Bizarro World? When I was growing up, Dos Pueblos was a punch line, way way way out there in Goleta where nobody ever went, and UCLA was only worried about USC in badminton.

Z: Even UCSB, which seems best known for being in the top 10 party schools on a Playboy list, is ranked as the 39th best university in the nation.

She: And yet, I’m OK with that. I never competed with UCSB, and am honestly proud that our local UC keeps getting better and better.

Z: That’s big of you.

She: But USC? I’m assuming some alum with an inheritance bought U.S. News & World Report, and put the fix in. Did they spell UCLA correctly?

Z: Less big of you.

She: Does this now invalidate my entire education? Are my San Marcos and UCLA degrees worthless?

Z: No. You can still use that advanced degree in writing columns that you got.

She: I did find a better study online, one that’s not a prank. In Washington Monthly’s 2010 college guide, they rated schools based on their contribution to the public good. Guess where UCLA was?

Z: 25th?

She: Try No. 3. It’s based on recruiting and graduating low-income students, producing cutting-edge scholarship and Ph.D.s, and encouraging students to give something back to their country. Guess where USC was?

Z: 23rd?

She: Try not even on the list. I told you that U.S. News & World Report thing was bogus. It was totally a prank, unless we moved to Bizarro World.

Z: Yes, dear.

— Share your Bruin pride and Trojan tears with She and Z by e-mailing .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).

Support Noozhawk Today

You are an important ally in our mission to deliver clear, objective, high-quality professional news reporting for Santa Barbara, Goleta and the rest of Santa Barbara County. Join the Hawks Club today to help keep Noozhawk soaring.

We offer four membership levels: $5 a month, $10 a month, $25 a month or $1 a week. Payments can be made using a credit card, Apple Pay or Google Pay, or click here for information on recurring credit-card payments and a mailing address for checks.

Thank you for your vital support.

Become a Noozhawk Supporter

First name
Last name
Select your monthly membership
Or choose an annual membership

Payment Information

Membership Subscription

You are enrolling in . Thank you for joining the Hawks Club.

Payment Method

Pay by Credit Card:

Mastercard, Visa, American Express, Discover
One click only, please!

Pay with Apple Pay or Google Pay:

Noozhawk partners with Stripe to provide secure invoicing and payments processing.
You may cancel your membership at any time by sending an email to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).

  • Ask
  • Vote
  • Investigate
  • Answer

Noozhawk Asks: What’s Your Question?

Welcome to Noozhawk Asks, a new feature in which you ask the questions, you help decide what Noozhawk investigates, and you work with us to find the answers.

Here’s how it works: You share your questions with us in the nearby box. In some cases, we may work with you to find the answers. In others, we may ask you to vote on your top choices to help us narrow the scope. And we’ll be regularly asking you for your feedback on a specific issue or topic.

We also expect to work together with the reader who asked the winning questions to find the answer together. Noozhawk’s objective is to come at questions from a place of curiosity and openness, and we believe a transparent collaboration is the key to achieve it.

The results of our investigation will be published here in this Noozhawk Asks section. Once or twice a month, we plan to do a review of what was asked and answered.

Thanks for asking!

Click Here to Get Started >

Reader Comments

Noozhawk is no longer accepting reader comments on our articles. Click here for the announcement. Readers are instead invited to submit letters to the editor by emailing them to [email protected]. Please provide your full name and community, as well as contact information for verification purposes only.