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Monday, December 10 , 2018, 3:13 am | Fair 49º

 
 
 

She Said, Z Said: The Manly Art of Avoiding Being Victimized by Testosterone Thieves

You wanna piece of me? I may be a father, but thanks to my son, you'll have the mother of all battles if you try to touch me

She: The Los Angeles Times reported last week that fatherhood lowers men’s testosterone levels.

Z: Yes, dear.

She: Are you listening? There’s scientific evidence that becoming a parent makes men less manly.

Z: Of course, dear. May I refresh your iced tea for you?

She: Did you hear me? First, Koss took away our disposable income, then he took away our sleep, and now scientists say Koss took away your machismo. Aren’t you going to respond to this?

Z: Did you need your pillow fluffed?

She: Seriously?

Z: Shh. I’m trying to watch the ballet here.

She: The L.A. Times reported on a study at Northwestern University that found that, hormonally speaking, becoming a father makes you less of a man.

Z: Yeah. Right. That’s who has the key to the building with the sub-basement with the safe where my balls are.

She: Excuse me?

Z: My testosterone was first reported missing March 12, 1998. It was on a milk carton.

She: That’s our wedding day. Should I be offended by that?

Z: I’m pretty sure I get massive points just for remembering our anniversary.

She: That’s not what I mean.

Z: I recall many nights of you gloating to our friends about how much more sensitive you made me since we got together.

She: I think what I really said was something along the lines of, “he’s much less of a jerk when we’re alone.” Only I may have used a synonym for the word, “jerk.”

Z: I know. I’m just trying to be sensitive to the delicate sensibilities of our readers.

She: Like I taught you.

Z: Exactly.

She: Honestly I think that I did make you more sensitive when we first got together. Then Koss came along and dudified you again, perhaps even more so.

Z: Are you saying I was never much of a dude? There are plenty of manly men who have done drag shows and like to sing Broadway songs.

She: Not our son. He watches sports on TV and hates the romantic comedies. That was never you.

Z: I always liked the Olympics. Especially the diving and the gymnastics. That’s manly, right?

She: And the burping and farting contests, you didn’t do any of that before either.

Z: Only because you’re no competition.

She: Thinking about it, I’m not all that impressed by this new scientific study. I think Koss has made you more manly, not less manly.

Z: I’ll just be over here quietly flexing.

She: I’m spending most of the energy I used to put trying to make you into a sensitive man into trying to make Koss into a sensitive man.

Z: Does that mean I get the keys back to the building with the sub-basement with the safe?

She: Nah. I’ve just redirected my energies for a few years. Once he’s out of the house you’ll be back on my front burner again.

Z: Maybe we should have some more children?

She: I’m guessing that the more kids you have, the more likely this study is to be true.

Z: That would certainly explain Michele Bachmann’s husband.

She: Remember what I said about being sensitive to things that might offend our readers?

Z: Oops. Sorry about that. May I paint your nails?

She: Yes, dear.

— Tell She and Z what you think by emailing .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). Click here for previous She Said, Z Said columns. Follow Leslie Dinaberg on Twitter.

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