Tuesday, November 13 , 2018, 8:56 am | Fair 52º

 
 
 

Paul Burri: Random Thoughts Bouncing Around in My Head

Don’t ask me where these come from ...

Lake Titicaca are among the few dirty words you can use in polite company, but here are a few more: asinine, fricative, Balzac, prickle, uphold, cocky.

Paul Burri
Paul Burri

I didn’t get much sleep last night. I was awake for hours, and then when I finally fell asleep, I dreamed I was awake.

I often suffer from verbal flatulence. (And I’m the only one who can’t smell it.)

My dog — if he’s not napping, he’s yapping.

Jeannie O’Logical — the name of the famous Irish family researcher.

I’m tired of being misconscrewed.

I’m not against using litotes.

On the way to the circus, the bearded lady ran over the tattooed midget. Police are calling it a freak accident.

If you find yourself continually complaining about all the difficult, prickly people in the world, it’s not them, it’s you.

Tracer bullets work both ways.

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

Never tell your wife you have nothing to do.

Oh, my God! Somebody has just invented a Krispy Kreme double cheeseburger. (I wonder, can I get that with a double martini triple chocolate shake?)

I’ve been doing some self-examination lately, and I’ve decided that the most irritating thing about me is that I’m right most of the time.

On public speaking: “To uh is human.”

Here’s my problem: I’m too light for heavy work, and I’m too heavy for light work.

A closed mind is a dangerous thing. So is an open one.

Merle Haggard — a name or a description?

Thinking outside of the box is a good thing — unless you’re a cat.

One sign of approaching senility: You’re reading something and come across a typo. Then you spend a half-hour looking it up in the dictionary.

I woke up feeling crappy the other day so I spent the day in bed — in the fecal position.

The best measure of a man is by the height of the obstacles he has surmounted.

I complained to a trusted adviser about a relationship problem. He came back to me with the admonition that it was time we stopped sending memos, letters, e-mails, etc., and that when we had a problem, we should meet face-to-face. Good advice. (He sent it to me via e-mail.)

The Manischewitz Matzoh Co. has decided to expand its market and to cater to the growing Japanese market. It has come up with a passover dish consisting of raw tuna. Tentative name for it is Sosumi.

“If you think I’m great now, wait till you get to know me better.” (Said to me by a new employee two days after he started working.)

Never hire a contractor who returns your call.

I’m extremely proud of my humility.

I’ve got thousands of ideas I haven’t even thought of yet.

They say that old people drive slow. That’s ridiculous. They don’t have much time left; they should be driving fast.

“Art is a lie that tells the truth.” — Pablo Picasso

Never be afraid to do the thing you fear.

Never trust a guy who says, “Trust me.” (Trust me on this.)

Stay tuned.

— Paul Burri is an entrepreneur, inventor, columnist, engineer and iconoclast. He is not in the advertising business, but he is a small-business counselor with the Santa Barbara chapter of Counselors to America’s Small Business-SCORE. The opinions and comments in this column are his alone and do not represent the opinions or policies of any outside organization. He can be reached at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).

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