Saturday, June 23 , 2018, 9:47 am | Fog/Mist 63º

 
 
 

She Said, Z Said: The Real Debate

The presidential debaters don't have a clue about these kitchen-table topics, but we all do.

She: In honor of last week’s presidential debate and the one coming up Wednesday, I think we should show everyone how it’s done.

Z: I am so going to kick your butt on foreign policy. I went to London, Denmark and Sweden this week. Those people are foreign. That’s my policy.

She: Yeah, well I win on domestic issues. While you were gallivanting around Europe (probably alienating voters with your brash American ways), I went to soccer practice, flag-football practice and made peanut-butter sandwiches for the whole class.

Z: Hey — brash is the new patriotic. And my brand of brash is charming, I tell you. But, yeah, you win.

She: Of course. But that’s not the debate I’m talking about.

Z: Oh. Is it the one where you and I face off and let the country decide which of us is more likable and who they’d rather invite to dinner?

She: That’s not what I mean either.

Z: ‘Cause I’m very friendly, and I like free food. And I’m not really that brash.

She: No, I mean the real debates, the things people really care about.

Z: But we don’t even watch reality TV.

She: I just want to share some of the great debates that go on in our household every day.

Z: There are no debates here. We’re the model of harmony.

She: No, we’re not.

Z: Yes we are.

She: Just this morning, Koss and I were debating the issue of energy conservation.

Z: Like when I’m trying to read the newspaper and he turns off all the lights and says it’s for the good of our country?

She: No, I mean when he begs us to have a sleepover and then is shocked to be tired the next day. The boy has no idea how to conserve his energy.

Z: This from the woman who regularly stays up until 2 a.m. to put finishing touches on a scrapbook page.

She: That’s different. You’re trying to change the debate from energy conservation to one about the place of art in society.

Z: I’ll tell you where art belongs: sometime before midnight.

She: We also have the hunger debates.

Z: When you try to convince Koss he can’t really be hungry if he doesn’t want to eat carrots or celery for a snack?

She: Exactly. The politics of potato chips.

Z: Or the economic debates, when he tries to convince us he should get his allowance without doing his chores.

She: That does show a stunning understanding of the American economic system. He’ll probably grow up to be a CEO.

Z: I’ve been trying to get an allowance without doing chores for years.

She: And we’re always debating how to lower taxes. I think he might be a Republican, because he insists there are no taxes.

Z: I love how he hands us ten bucks when he buys a toy that’s $9.99, despite the fact that he’s holding a receipt for $10.76.

She: So much for that whole lesson on rounding numbers.

Z: I think he knows exactly what he’s doing. He really might be another one of those borrow-and-spend Republicans.

She: At least he’s not brash.

Z: At least there’s one thing that we don’t debate here.

She: What’s that?

Z: The Leslie Doctrine: whatever you want, the answer is yes.

She: Yes, dear.

Share your great household debates with She and Z at [email protected]

Support Noozhawk Today

You are an important ally in our mission to deliver clear, objective, high-quality professional news reporting for Santa Barbara, Goleta and the rest of Santa Barbara County. Join the Hawks Club today to help keep Noozhawk soaring.

We offer four membership levels: $5 a month, $10 a month, $25 a month or $1 a week. Payments can be made through PayPal below, or click here for information on recurring credit-card payments.

Thank you for your vital support.

Become a Noozhawk Supporter

First name
Last name
Enter your email
Select your membership level
×

Payment Information

You are purchasing:

Payment Method

Pay by Credit Card:

Mastercard, Visa, American Express, Discover

Pay with Apple Pay or Google Pay:

Noozhawk partners with Stripe to provide secure invoicing and payments processing.

  • Ask
  • Vote
  • Investigate
  • Answer

Noozhawk Asks: What’s Your Question?

Welcome to Noozhawk Asks, a new feature in which you ask the questions, you help decide what Noozhawk investigates, and you work with us to find the answers.

Here’s how it works: You share your questions with us in the nearby box. In some cases, we may work with you to find the answers. In others, we may ask you to vote on your top choices to help us narrow the scope. And we’ll be regularly asking you for your feedback on a specific issue or topic.

We also expect to work together with the reader who asked the winning questions to find the answer together. Noozhawk’s objective is to come at questions from a place of curiosity and openness, and we believe a transparent collaboration is the key to achieve it.

The results of our investigation will be published here in this Noozhawk Asks section. Once or twice a month, we plan to do a review of what was asked and answered.

Thanks for asking!

Click Here to Get Started >

Reader Comments

Noozhawk is no longer accepting reader comments on our articles. Click here for the announcement. Readers are instead invited to submit letters to the editor by emailing them to [email protected]. Please provide your full name and community, as well as contact information for verification purposes only.

Daily Noozhawk

Subscribe to Noozhawk's A.M. Report, our free e-Bulletin sent out every day at 4:15 a.m. with Noozhawk's top stories, hand-picked by the editors.

Sign Up Now >