Tuesday, June 19 , 2018, 4:14 am | Fair 56º


She Said, Z Said: Haunted by Halloween

Candy delivery is now caught in a spider's Web.

She: You want to know the scariest thing I’ve seen so far this Halloween season?

Z: The fact that Halloween is suddenly a season?

She: That you can buy Halloween candy on Amazon.com. I’ve gotten three e-mails about it. Who are those people? Who can get food to their house without Amazon, but can’t get Halloween candy?

Z: “Those people?” You are so insensitive. It’s obvious. Ghosts, that’s who.

She: Ghosts? Seriously. I want to know who is that person who lives in an area so remote that they need to mail-order their Halloween candy? It wasn’t even unique Halloween candy. It was Laffy Taffy and SweeTarts.

Z: So you’re really just offended because they weren’t selling chocolate.

She: And if those people live in such a remote area, are they really going to need to worry about trick or treaters? Who could these people possibly be?

Z: I already told you. It’s ghosts. They still want to hand out candy to the kids, but know that they’ll be shunned for being dead if they go out in public. For ghosts, it’s all about the kids.

She: You’re right.

Z: Wha?

She: It is scary that Halloween is now a season, right after the stock-up-on-back-to-school supplies season.

Z: You’re ignoring my ghost theory because you know I’m right.

She: My favorite thing about the Halloween season is that it’s the one season that no one can accuse you of “forgetting the meaning of.”

Z: But why is Halloween a whole season now? It used to just be one night of debauchery.

She: I’d blame Hallmark, but I think this might be more in Seagram’s court. It used to be a kid holiday but now the adults have taken over.

Z: People aren’t getting drunk all month. But they are putting up those fake spider webs for all of October.

She: I like those fake spider webs. They’re very festive and it’s the one time of year that my bad housekeeping habits can be justified as “themed.” Although, I don’t understand why people pay $1.99 to fake something I can breed an endless supply of, for free in the comfort of my own home.

Z: Nothing says festive like neglect and decay.

She: I’m actually fascinated by spider webs, especially the one in our shower. It’s so symmetrical. But I’m really not sure how it’s supposed to make me want to buy more candy.

Z: Everything makes you want to buy more candy.

She: OK, I’ll give you that.

Z: The scary thing about the spider webs is that they’re all made in China. Who knew you could make fake spider webs out of lead?

She: You know what else is scary — it’s almost Halloween and I don’t have a costume.

Z: You could do this year’s scariest costume.

She: The Palin glasses, suit, pumps and shotgun?

Z: Only with a presidential tiara on her, and accompanied by the ghost of John McCain.

She: I thought you weren’t supposed to make fun of ghosts?

Z: My bad. But you know what the scariest thing about the Halloween season is?

She: That I’m already feeling guilty about Christmas?

Z: No.

She: That it’s only four days before the election?

Z: Augh!

She: Yes, dear.

Share your Halloween tales with She and Z at [email protected]

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