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Tuesday, January 22 , 2019, 7:05 am | Fair 53º


She Said, Z Said: Meet the Natives

Tribesmen looking to see how the other half lives may find it's a small world after all.

She: So, honey, how would you feel about hosting “five tribesmen from a traditional island community on Vanuatu, in the South Pacific, as they explore the United States on a voyage of cultural and spiritual discovery?”

Z: Say what?

She: My friend, Mo, sent me this thing from a friend of a friend of a friend of hers. It’ll be a heartwarming documentary about two cultures converging.

Z: Is this a reality TV show or something?

She: No, it’s a documentary.

Z: Can we win money?

She: No, it’s a documentary.

Z: How many tribesmen are we talking about?

She: The e-mail says five.

Z: Did you say they’re from Vanuatu? Is that anywhere near the Keebler Elf tree? Because the only way they’re going to fit in our house is if they’re the same size as the Keebler Elves.

She: We could make it work. It’s just for a week.

Z: A week? Are you kidding me? Remember when we were painting the kitchen, and there was stuff all over the living room for two days?

She: Vaguely. I’ve sort of blocked it from my mind.

Z: You stubbed your toe on a frying pan and threatened to divorce me.

She: I’m guessing the tribesmen won’t have much stuff with them.

Z: We’ll have to change that. If they’re coming here for a cultural and spiritual journey, what could be a more American cultural and spiritual journey than buying stuff?

She: And they may buy stuff when they’re with the other families.

Z: Other families? Now you’re making me feel cheap. We wouldn’t be the only family?

She: Along with the Southern California beach family, they’re also looking for “an Upper East-side family in New York,” “a ranching family in the Midwest,” “a military family in the South” and “a middle-America family that would like to share popular American culture, such as NASCAR, with the tribe.”

Z: So they’ll come loaded up with gigantic NASCAR fingers if they visit the real America first. I’m guessing you can’t stub your toe on foam fingers.

She: One can only hope.

Z: What would we feed them?

She: Uh, burritos, pasta, chicken? Things that a “fun, level-headed family that is passionate about sharing their culture and their daily lives (a day at the beach, barbecues, bike rides, yoga class, dog groomers, sporting events) with travelers from abroad” would eat.

Z: I don’t know that we have all that much Southern California culture to share with them. I don’t surf, and Koss barely know how to skateboard.

She: That’s such a stereotype. We’re the epitome of the real Southern California culture.

Z: How?

She: We go to the beach sometimes, complain about the traffic on the way there, about the parking once we get there, and then about how the weather isn’t perfect.

Z: You’re right. We’re the dream family any tribe would love to visit.

She: They’re supposed to arrive in the United States on Nov. 15, so we have to decide soon.

Z: You freak out when we have three kids for an overnight sleepover. You want a small tribe sleeping in our shack?

She: Maybe. Look at the video of the U.K. version of the show. (To see a clip of the U.K. show, click here then click on the productions/documentary link and choose the show, Meet the Natives.) It really is heartwarming.

Z: Tell you what. You get Extreme Home Makeover to triple the square footage of our house to 1,000 square feet, and then we’ll talk about visiting tribes being heartwarming.

She: Yes, dear.

Send your applications to stay at She and Z’s shack to [email protected]

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