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Saturday, March 23 , 2019, 6:30 pm | Mostly Cloudy 64º


She Said, Z Said: Ruined

Having a child takes away a parent's ... childlessness — among other things.

Z: I think we need to tell Koss about all the things he has ruined for us.

She: Call me Dr. Spock, but I’m just guessing that’s not a very good idea.

Z: I think it’s something every child should know.

She: Again, you won’t find this in a lot of parenting books. Where is this coming from?

Z: I’m a long way away, and missing you guys, and it popped into my head.

She: Couldn’t you just go hang out at a bar and drink too much, like other business people?

Z: Besides, if we make a good list now, maybe we can use it to keep him from putting us in a home when we get older.

She: Now I’m listening.

Z: First off, he has killed traveling alone for me. The whole time I’m going places, I’m thinking, “Koss would love to eat on the 95th floor of this building with me,” or, “Koss would have a great time at Tivoli. We’ll definitely do this when we’re all here.”

She: It is pretty selfish of him.

Z: I’m even looking around my hotel room trying to figure out where we would put the roll-away bed.

She: Honestly, he’s kind of ruined your traveling for me, too.

Z: The single parenting thing?

She: No. ‘Cause now, instead of that dull, sweet ache of missing you, those parts of my day that aren’t filled with work are filled with him.

Z: The nerve of that kid. I’ve also decided that he’s completely ruined all sense of perspective for me.

She: That’s always been skewed. What did he do?

Z: He warped it by what the world must look like to him. My consideration of things is no longer based solely on my own experiences. He colors and shades things in ways that weren’t there before.

She: You poor thing. It’s like having a child has made you a kinder, gentler person.

Z: Feh. Tell me about it. It’s like I have a fresh view on everything. Yuck.

She: I’ll tell you what he’s ruined for me: my sarcastic, cynical husband. What did you do with him?

Z: Gave him a couple of beers and a nine-hour time difference.

She: It figures sweet Zak would show up the week that you’re out of the country.

Z: Sweetness at a distance is the best sweetness of all. I can blame it all on jet lag, but still get the bonus points.

She: It’s good to hear he’s not completely gone.

Z: Here’s the biggest thing the boy wrecked for us: childlessness.

She: That’s true. Definitionally. Also, I used to get on a plane and get as far away from the people with kids as I possibly could.

Z: Doesn’t everybody?

She: Not anymore. Now I either feel totally sorry for those people who travel with kids and want to help them or, in the rare case that their children are well-behaved, I’m totally jealous and want Koss to be with me.

Z: I don’t know. On the red-eye flight out, my section had five babies, three 2-year-olds and a small dog.

She: Now I’m going to take back what I said. After that, you’re still happy about not being childless?

Z: Absolutely. After a year of hearing Koss practice his Psycho shower scream (which, by the way, is oddly impressive)? That plane was a walk in the park.

She: Ah. So he also ruined your hearing.

Z: And for that, I am truly grateful.

She: Yes, dear.

What have your kids ruined? Tell She and Z at [email protected]

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