Saturday, April 21 , 2018, 1:27 am | Fair 55º

 
 
 
 

Danny Tyree: Bold Predictions For Mother’s Day 2037

Whether it’s a matter of hardwired instincts or dutifully handed-down rituals, we can all nod our heads and acknowledge that there are certain statements or behaviors that are typical of almost all mothers.

Even in another 20 years, Mother’s Day will still bring to mind universally recognized traditions. But technology, economic conditions and social mores will bring subtle variations in the way mothers express themselves.

Some mothers will take disciplinary matters into their own hands, but others will continue to punt to their husbands.(“You’re really in trouble, young man. Just wait until your father reconnects to the Matrix!”)

Sometimes authorities even more fearsome than Dad will be invoked. (“As long as you’re living under MY roof, you’ll obey the rules of the One World globalist government.”)

Children’s caterwauling expressions of fear, anger and disappointment may be dealt with a little differently in the geopolitical world of 2037. (“Stop your crying right now or I’ll GIVE you something to catch your tears in so we can re-process them and maybe survive this water crisis.”)

As consumers continue to copy the daring fashions of Golden Globe nominees, it will be reflected in parent-child confrontations. (“You’re not leaving this house wearing THAT, young lady. I need it to tie up the sandwich bread bag.”)

Moms will still be proud of their offspring, but regulatory overkill will make it harder to show it. (“I’d love to put your crayon drawing on the refrigerator door, but the mandatory government sugar and sodium warnings take up all the room.”)

Advances in cosmetology may also change the nature of keepsakes. (“No, I didn’t have your baby shoes bronzed, but I did have my stretch marks bronzed ...”)

Moms will still embarrass their kids in front of their friends.(“You’re going to see Fast & Furious 24? Is that about David’s first two dozen diapers?”)

Piles of dirty laundry and dirty dishes will still be something for mothers to deal with. (“Clean your room! This place looks like a plant-based, laboratory-grown meat substitute lives here!”)

Issues of an aging population will not go away. (“You’re the oldest and should know better — and should also appear before the Death Panel first and make room for the younger ones.”)

Elon Musk and other space-travel proponents will give little white lies a fresh twist. (“You can’t find Spot the dog? Oh, he has just gone to Mars to frolic. Rabies and tire tread marks are actually an advantage up there ...”)

Science will also render some parental concerns less monumental. (“Don’t put that in your mouth! You don’t know WHERE it has been! What? Thanks to Google Earth and geocaching apps you DO know where it has been? Carry on.”)

Mothers will continue to lose sleep over the well-being of their traveling kids; but if the current trend toward mayhem continues, stereotypical phrases will take on a more macabre tone. (“Be sure to suicide-bomb as soon as you get there. Just so I’ll know you arrived safely.”)

Yes, two decades from now, mothers will still say puzzling, hypocritical and aggravating things. They will also still love us and will still utter sweet observations like, “Remember, you’ll always be my baby. Or the clone of my baby. Or the brain of my baby’s clone transferred into an immortal robot body. Or something like that. Somebody kiss my brain and make it feel better!”

— Satirical columnist Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at [email protected] and visits to his Facebook fan page Tyree’s Tyrades. He is syndicated by Cagle Cartoons. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are his own.

  • Ask
  • Vote
  • Investigate
  • Answer

Noozhawk Asks: What’s Your Question?

Welcome to Noozhawk Asks, a new feature in which you ask the questions, you help decide what Noozhawk investigates, and you work with us to find the answers.

Here’s how it works: You share your questions with us in the nearby box. In some cases, we may work with you to find the answers. In others, we may ask you to vote on your top choices to help us narrow the scope. And we’ll be regularly asking you for your feedback on a specific issue or topic.

We also expect to work together with the reader who asked the winning questions to find the answer together. Noozhawk’s objective is to come at questions from a place of curiosity and openness, and we believe a transparent collaboration is the key to achieve it.

The results of our investigation will be published here in this Noozhawk Asks section. Once or twice a month, we plan to do a review of what was asked and answered.

Thanks for asking!

Click Here to Get Started >

Support Noozhawk Today

You are an important ally in our mission to deliver clear, objective, high-quality professional news reporting for Santa Barbara, Goleta and the rest of Santa Barbara County. Join the Hawks Club today to help keep Noozhawk soaring.

We offer four membership levels: $5 a month, $10 a month, $25 a month or $1 a week. Payments can be made through PayPal below, or click here for information on recurring credit-card payments.

Thank you for your vital support.


Maestro, Mastercard, Visa, American Express, Discover, Debit

Reader Comments

Noozhawk is no longer accepting reader comments on our articles. Click here for the announcement. Readers are instead invited to submit letters to the editor by emailing them to [email protected]. Please provide your full name and community, as well as contact information for verification purposes only.

Daily Noozhawk

Subscribe to Noozhawk's A.M. Report, our free e-Bulletin sent out every day at 4:15 a.m. with Noozhawk's top stories, hand-picked by the editors.

Sign Up Now >

Meet Your Realtor Sponsored by Village Properties

Photo of John Sener
John Sener
"I am known for tenacity, diligence, honesty, and sound decision making with the ultimate goal of closing every transaction to the satisfaction of all involved parties."

Full Profile >