Pixel Tracker

Tuesday, March 19 , 2019, 1:49 am | Fair 53º


Danny Tyree: Can The Beer Industry Still Brew Up A Comeback?

It’s a drastically different world than when I was working a summertime job during college.

The first summer, a middle-aged co-worker would proudly pat his ample stomach and announce, “This is my baby — Bud Miller!” The second summer, my boss (hi, Elgin!) tried (unsuccessfully) to get me to drink my first beer.

(I know quaffing that first brew is supposed to be an indispensable “rite of passage” into adulthood, but over the decades I’ve been too busy with a mortgage, in-laws, pallbearer duties, job changes, diaper changes, male pattern baldness and prostate exams to mourn the missed opportunity. Adulthood? I sometimes long for a “rite of return passage” to my teddy bear!)

As I was saying, nowadays smokers are marginalized. Daytime soap operas are almost extinct. Salsa has eclipsed ketchup. Miss America is relegated to obscurity. Kids would rather play soccer than baseball.

And, according to The Wall Street Journal, as of last year, U.S. drinkers for the first time are more likely to choose wine or a cocktail over beer.

Health-consciousness by millennials, a “bourbon renaissance,” the end of a voluntary liquor industry ban on radio and TV advertising and other factors have left brewers crying in their beer, The Journal reports.

Oh, drinkers still chose beer 49.7 percent of the time and the decline represents only one less bottle per average consumer per week (versus 20 years ago). But the dollars add up and the milestone is a big psychological blow to brewers. (“Our coffers get less filling!”)

Beer executives who used to be cutthroat rivals are now pooling their resources to promote beer in general. One of my anonymous sources has revealed some of their ideas, including a patriotic appeal to the core loyal market (“When the going gets tough, the tough get older and whiter”).

Other proposed marketing campaigns:

» “Keep calling it Martin Luther King Jr. Day if you like, but to real hipsters, it’s now Oktoberfest: Part Deux.”

» “Did dinosaurs and dodo birds go extinct because of little plastic umbrellas from sissy drinks? Science has never specifically disproven it!”

» “Remember the King of Beers? Yep, beer is a monarchy! No Electoral College to worry about.”

» “Need an emotional support animal during freshman year? We’re paying to make dorms both wheelchair accessible and Clydesdale accessible.”

» “It was beer that made Milwaukee famous — although, admittedly, beer also makes you a little fuzzy about which continent claims Milwaukee.”

» “Ride sharing app? We invented URINAL sharing!”

» “Any Willy Wonka fans out there? Well, a select number of beer cans will come with a golden ticket for a liver transplant!”

» “We’re replacing festival caricaturists with craft brewers! PLEASE let us make something just for you. Your head will still feel oversized!”

» “You were SOBER when you took out that college loan. We’re just saying.”

» “If you drink anything that requires introduction as ‘an unpretentious little ...,’ we have cult deprogrammers on standby.”

» “We’re partnering with law enforcement on volume discounts. ‘Honest, officer, I just had a couple of CASES’ could be your Get Out of Jail Free card! This offer void where prohibited by law.”

I just realized: baby Bud Miller must be pushing 40 now! (“Hey! I think I barfed up salsa on Miss America at a soccer game! Dad would’ve been so proud. Next year, I’ll dedicate my Arbor Day tuba and lederhosen routine to him!”)

— Satirical columnist Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at [email protected] and visits to his Facebook fan page Tyree’s Tyrades. He is syndicated by Cagle Cartoons. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are his own.

Support Noozhawk Today!

Our professional journalists work tirelessly to report on local news so you can be more informed and engaged in your community. This quality, local reporting is free for you to read and share, but it's not free to produce.

You count on us to deliver timely, relevant local news, 24/7. Can we count on you to invest in our newsroom and help secure its future?

We provide special member benefits to show how much we appreciate your support.

I would like give...
Great! You're joining as a Red-Tailed Hawk!
  • Ask
  • Vote
  • Investigate
  • Answer

Noozhawk Asks: What’s Your Question?

Welcome to Noozhawk Asks, a new feature in which you ask the questions, you help decide what Noozhawk investigates, and you work with us to find the answers.

Here’s how it works: You share your questions with us in the nearby box. In some cases, we may work with you to find the answers. In others, we may ask you to vote on your top choices to help us narrow the scope. And we’ll be regularly asking you for your feedback on a specific issue or topic.

We also expect to work together with the reader who asked the winning questions to find the answer together. Noozhawk’s objective is to come at questions from a place of curiosity and openness, and we believe a transparent collaboration is the key to achieve it.

The results of our investigation will be published here in this Noozhawk Asks section. Once or twice a month, we plan to do a review of what was asked and answered.

Thanks for asking!

Click Here to Get Started >

Reader Comments

Noozhawk is no longer accepting reader comments on our articles. Click here for the announcement. Readers are instead invited to submit letters to the editor by emailing them to [email protected]. Please provide your full name and community, as well as contact information for verification purposes only.

Meet Your Realtor Sponsored by Village Properties

Photo of Dianne and Brianna Johnson
Dianne and Brianna Johnson
"We are committed to making our clients feel special by providing the concierge level service they deserve."

Full Profile >

Daily Noozhawk

Subscribe to Noozhawk's A.M. Report, our free e-Bulletin sent out every day at 4:15 a.m. with Noozhawk's top stories, hand-picked by the editors.

Sign Up Now >