Monday, April 23 , 2018, 8:24 pm | Fair 54º


Danny Tyree: Did the Pentagon Act Alone in Employing UFO Hunters?

When I was in sixth grade, my impassioned 4-H speech about the possibility of extraterrestrial visitors didn’t even merit an Honorable Mention (my fifth-grade speech about our thumb-sucking cat had taken me all the way to the county level!); so I can empathize with those military intelligence officials who are being ridiculed for the existence of the Advanced Aerospace Threat Identification program.

Surely, you’ve heard about The New York Times investigation of the Pentagon’s secret UFO research program, a classified operation that SUPPOSEDLY ended in 2012.

I can’t really blame the Defense Department for having wanted to explore unexplained aerial phenomena, whether the mysterious aircraft ultimately turned out to be little green men, Russian test pilots or quirky atmospheric conditions. The Pentagon was trying to be proactive and avoid wails of “Why didn’t you warn us?” if disaster struck.

But they were realistic enough to cut their losses BEFORE they were faced with having to justify $800 military toilet seats in a universe in which SOME races teleport their waste products straight from their digestive organs into the heart of the sun. (“Zorg, you have a booger hanging from your — Ha ha! Guess it’s halfway to a black hole by now.”)

Considering the potential for enhanced national security and quantum leaps in technology, I wonder if other cabinet-level departments and government agencies have their own clandestine UFO operations?

Don’t assume that the news media or congressional watchdogs would have already told us about these operations if they actually existed. Deep within the bowels of our bloated federal bureaucracy, you would probably find undying organizations such as The Committee For Harassing Those Redcoat Rapscallions, or The Board of Regulating Wagers On Where President Abraham Lincoln Will Spend His Retirement.

I have it on good advice that the Transportation Department would love to find out the effect of near-light speed on fuzzy dice and pine tree air fresheners, as well as the psychological effects of hearing “Are we there yet?” all the way from Alpha Centauri.

If pressured enough, the Veteran Affairs Department might admit, “Yes, we scooped up the Roswell crash victims in 1947 — and hope to perform their alien autopsies any day now!”

The National Park Service probably has a shadowy deal with the Ad Council to disseminate the message “Remember: only you can prevent death rays.”

Right this minute, the Federal Emergency Management Agency might be asking the Martians, “How can you possibly call yourselves civilized without FLOOD PLAINS to keep re-building on?”

The Library of Congress wouldn’t care about the military applications of silently hovering flying saucers; they would see a high-tech way to shush those mouthy hooligans in the archives!

The Labor Department would get its giggles just hearing aliens demand, “Take me to your union leader.”

Don’t think it’s all at the national level. Your local Department of Motor Vehicles has probably been dealing with outer space aliens for years. Admit it: most of those driver’s license photos could be used to get a bug-eyed monster a job, an assault rifle or a six-pack.

I hope this column hasn’t upset any aliens who may be counting on continued hush-hush dealings with our government. I would hate to get a visit in the middle of the night from — Awwwww ... they’re a race of big thumb-sucking cats!

Hey, let’s go buzz the 4-H headquarters!

— Satirical columnist Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at [email protected] and visits to his Facebook fan page Tyree’s Tyrades. He is syndicated by Cagle Cartoons. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are his own.

  • Ask
  • Vote
  • Investigate
  • Answer

Noozhawk Asks: What’s Your Question?

Welcome to Noozhawk Asks, a new feature in which you ask the questions, you help decide what Noozhawk investigates, and you work with us to find the answers.

Here’s how it works: You share your questions with us in the nearby box. In some cases, we may work with you to find the answers. In others, we may ask you to vote on your top choices to help us narrow the scope. And we’ll be regularly asking you for your feedback on a specific issue or topic.

We also expect to work together with the reader who asked the winning questions to find the answer together. Noozhawk’s objective is to come at questions from a place of curiosity and openness, and we believe a transparent collaboration is the key to achieve it.

The results of our investigation will be published here in this Noozhawk Asks section. Once or twice a month, we plan to do a review of what was asked and answered.

Thanks for asking!

Click Here to Get Started >

Support Noozhawk Today

You are an important ally in our mission to deliver clear, objective, high-quality professional news reporting for Santa Barbara, Goleta and the rest of Santa Barbara County. Join the Hawks Club today to help keep Noozhawk soaring.

We offer four membership levels: $5 a month, $10 a month, $25 a month or $1 a week. Payments can be made through PayPal below, or click here for information on recurring credit-card payments.

Thank you for your vital support.

Maestro, Mastercard, Visa, American Express, Discover, Debit

Reader Comments

Noozhawk is no longer accepting reader comments on our articles. Click here for the announcement. Readers are instead invited to submit letters to the editor by emailing them to [email protected]. Please provide your full name and community, as well as contact information for verification purposes only.

Daily Noozhawk

Subscribe to Noozhawk's A.M. Report, our free e-Bulletin sent out every day at 4:15 a.m. with Noozhawk's top stories, hand-picked by the editors.

Sign Up Now >