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Monday, December 10 , 2018, 9:40 pm | Fair 49º

 
 
 
 
Teenagers

Louise Palanker: Fear of Abandonment, Confused by a Crush, Social Media Paranoia

Question from Britta

Hi, Weezy. So I don’t know how to overcome the fear of being abandoned. I am dating a guy for about two months now. We both are 19 and we attend to the same college. It’s going pretty great. But I can’t help fearing that he doesn’t want me anymore or things like that.

I think the reason is that I have developed a sort of phobia. When I was little, my dad just left me and my mom and it was one of the hardest things I ever went through. Also I have been in two serious relationships before, and the first guy left me for someone else. The other one left me with no explanation.

I hate feeling this way but I am always paranoid of losing people. This guy is amazing and he is all I ever wanted, and it scares me to death just thinking about him leaving me. I feel so vulnerable.

What should I do?

P.S. Sorry if my English is not the best. I am from Sweden.

Weezy

Your English is excellent. I may not be able to find the right words to heal your fear of abandonment, but I do believe that an overwhelming fear of losing something will rob you of it even while you still have it. Unless or until he proves himself unworthy of your trust, you need to cherish and enjoy your relationship.

Ironically, the more freely you hold him the more likely he will be to choose to stay. I do feel that you should visit a therapist to talk about your abandonment issues. Honor these fears. You came upon them quite legitimately. They are real. What happened to you will scar any child and leave her fearing that she is somehow to blame or somehow unworthy of being loved.

If a friend confessed this story to you, wouldn’t you go out of your way to help her understand that she is limitlessly lovable? Sometimes, you need to treat yourself like a cherished friend. Say the words that would comfort you if it were not happening to you. Allow yourself to enjoy where you are right now.

Doesn’t this guy deserve a girl who feels loved by him? Great guys really do try hard to make their partner feel loved and appreciated. Let him see that he is succeeding. If you need a fear calmed, ask for it. Don’t accuse him of anything. Simply say, “I feel worried. I feel scared.” Let him comfort you. And ... see a therapist. You do deserve peace of mind.

(Design Life Library video)

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Question from Eliza

I have a crush on a boy in my class. He said he likes another girl, but he never even reacts like it. Instead, he always seems to like me. Does he?

Weezy

My theory is that when it comes to matters of the heart you have to believe what someone tells you. When you are really crushing on someone you tend to see what you wish to see. For whatever reason, he is telling you that he likes someone else. If he likes you, he needs to tell you. Give him some space. Let him make an effort. You two are growing up together. Everything is possible. He may still be too young to confess his real feelings.

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Question from Lauren

Am I overthinking this? ... So, I like this guy and I finally got the nerve to request him on Instagram. He has no posts and not a lot of followers and he’s private btw. So I requested him last night but he still hasn’t accepted or declined my request. I know I’m probably overreacting. But all these thoughts keep coming to my mind on why he hasn’t declined or accepted yet.

I feel like he’s ignoring my request and I know for a fact he knows who I am. And I’m just getting so paranoid!

Weezy

If he has no posts then it is entirely likely that he never checks Instagram. I know that this is possible because I rarely check Instagram. I tend to stick to Twitter and Facebook. My husband has a Facebook account. I don’t believe he knows the password. We, of course, are not in your peer group but we do help make the point that every person has their own social media style and habits.

Some people really take to social media and use it often. Some people never leave social media and need to be reminded to eat and blink. Some people made an account with help from a friend and have never logged in since.

MOST people have preferred networks. Just because they HAVE an account on a network does not mean that they CHECK that account. I have a Snapchat account, and have no idea how to use Snapchat.

If you know the guy keep talking to the guy. Your in-person friendship is so much more important than whether he adds you on one specific form of social media. The best and truest social interaction is face to face.

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Got a question for Weezy? Email her at [email protected] and it may be answered in a subsequent column.

Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She has a teen social network/IOS app and weekly video podcast called Journals Network, built around a philosophy of cyber kindness. She also teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.

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